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Dick Figures


            Aachi and Ssipak are two hoodlums earning a dishonest living in an energy depleted future dystopia; they hold up bathroom stalls where people are trying to have "sincere" bowel movements, as the energy source of tomorrow is human excrement. All citizens are implanted with anal identity chips at birth, and when they defecate in public stalls they receive an addictive, hallucinogenic popsicle called a "juicybar" as a reward.Juicybars, of course, cause people to transform into small, blue, and stupid mutants. These mutants have been organized by a Hitleresque charismatic leader into a revolutionary cell called "The Diaper Gang" and they are constantly hounded by police forces, aided by an unstoppable government cyborg. Everyone wants to control the juicybar supply, including the two aforementioned anti-heroes, who always manage to be in the right place at the wrong time despite their general ineptitude (or perhaps because of it).Through a comedy of errors, Jimmy the Freak, a drug-addled porn director, stumbles onto a means of tricking the system into over-dispensing juicybars and he hands this information to the leader of the Diapers. They then recruit anti-heroine Beauty (a woman imbued with the power to crap several times a day) to be the vessel for a "blessed" anal chip and soon accidentally lose her to Aachi and Ssipak (the latter of whom has fallen in love with her from afar).Much of the movie is then a chase scene where Beauty exchanges hands again and again; and ultimately she ends up in the possession of the Diapers. They use her power to change the tide to their favor, forcing the government's hand and causing them to enlist the help of the deranged creator of cyborgs (who ends up in the hands of the Diapers anyway and creates mutant cyborgs for their side too). The conflict escalates into a titanic battle at a desert fortress, where Aachi and Ssipak sneak in and do their best to retrieve Beauty, causing another series of chase scenes.In the end, the anti-heroes survive by outlasting all the other forces and outrunning a series of ever-intensifying explosions, and ride off into the sunset to poop another day.
    

Zack Keller

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