In Living Color


            
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The Wayans Bros.

Don't Be a Menace to South Central While Drinking Your Juice in the Hood


            Teenager Drew Decker is home alone when she receives a phone call. The caller is persistent to find out her name, but she doesn't give in. The caller then reveals he is looking at her. Scared, Drew grabs a baseball bat and answers the front door (thinking it is the caller behind) and attacks a group of trick-or-treaters. The caller then appears in her house, dressed as Ghostface, and proceeds to chase her outside, where he rips her clothes off, which leaves her in white bra and thong. She runs into the sprinklers in her bikini; the killer catches up with her and stabs her in the breast and pulls out an implant. She runs along the road and sees her father, only to be run over by him while being distracted by her mother giving him fellatio. She is then murdered.Cindy Campbell is on her computer when her boyfriend Bobby Prinze appears in the window. Bobby is upset because his relationship with Cindy "isn't going anywhere" (i.e., they have not slept together). Even though he expresses this to her, she refuses and Bobby leaves.The next day in school, Cindy meets with Bobby and the rest of her friends, Brenda Meeks, Greg Phillipe, Ray Wilkins, and Buffy Gilmore. At the school, news teams are trying to interview the police and students who knew the girl who was killed the night before (her name is known as Drew Decker). The most prominent among the reporters is Gail Hailstorm, author of the recently released book You're Dead, I'm Rich. Cindy points out to the others that Drew's murder happened exactly one year after they accidentally killed a man during a night of drunk driving, and dumped his body off a pier. Greg swears the group to a pact that they will reveal what happened that night, and becomes physically abusive to Cindy when she exhibits reluctance.One class, Cindy receives a note from someone telling her that they know about the incident with the man they killed. Cindy looks outside to see the killer waving at her.After football practice, Ray and Greg are in the locker room with a bunch of other guys, and when Ray and everyone else leaves Greg for the showers ("Don't let Uncle Ray catch you!"), the latter goes off to the punching bag. After he finishes and take a shower, he finds a note tucked in the door of his locker showing a picture of his small penis. Enraged, he goes to Cindy and the others and tells them about the note, and is ridiculed for it.Buffy, competing in a beauty pageant, does a dramatic acting piece during the talent portion. During her reading, Greg is murdered by the killer in the balcony. Seeing this, Buffy attempts to warn everyone, but her desperate pleas are taken by the audience and judges as an exceptional acting performance and Buffy stops caring about Greg when she won.That night, Cindy is attacked by the killer, but she calls the cops and the killer escapes. Bobby shows up with the same gloves and knife as the killer, and is arrested. Cindy goes to stay with Buffy that night but receives a call from the real killer, which results in Bobby's release. Bobby and Cindy later bump into each other at school, but their reconciliation is awkward, stemming in part from Cindy not getting over Ginger Spice leaving the Spice Girls.The killer confronts Buffy in the girls' locker room. Making a sarcastic, meta-fictional observation about horror movie clichés, Buffy mocks the killer, even as he stabs her, and continues to do so even after he decapitates her. In order to get her to really shut up, he throws her head in the lost and found bucket.Ray and Brenda go to the movies to watch Shakespeare in Love. Ray, while in a bathroom stall, peeps in on another occupant, and is impaled through the head with a penis. The killer then attempts to kill Brenda in the auditorium, but because of her discourteous behavior, the other patrons kill her before he has a chance.During a party at her house, Cindy has sex with Bobby. At the same time, the killer shows up at Shorty's house to kill him and his friends, but gets high on marijuana with them instead. When they are rapping with each other, the killer raps and kills everyone at the same time except for Shorty, who was beside him all the time. Shorty congratulates the killer for the rap.At Cindy's house, the killer shows up and apparently stabs Bobby. As Cindy attempts to attend to Bobby's wound, Bobby shoots Shorty in the lung, causing marijuana smoke to exude. He reveals that the blood from his "wound" is ketchup, as he was never stabbed at all. Ray then appears, very much alive, and reveals that he and Bobby are copying the killer. When Cindy asks for a motive, Bobby points out that they don't need one, because horror movies like Scream do not boast logically coherent elements like plot or motive. Bobby also sarcastically suggests that it was lack of sex that drove him to do this, and reveals that he and Ray are gay lovers who will start a new life once they kill Cindy, a crime they will get away with because they are merely copycatting a real serial killer who actually exists. To conceal their guilt, they decide to stab one another in order so that the authorities will believe them to be victims of the real killer. As Ray stabs Bobby, Cindy yells "You guys are psychos! You've seen one too many TV shows!", only to have Ray respond angrily stabs Bobby to death while saying "Watching television shows doesn't create psycho killers - canceling TV shows does! The Wayans Brothers was a good show - and we didn't even get a final episode!" (thus breaking character, since the actor playing Ray is Shawn Wayans). However, the real killer appears shortly afterwards, stabbing Ray to death.The killer then attacks Cindy, but after she repels him, he escapes. The police show up and take Cindy to the police station, where they find out that Buffy's brother Doofy (Dave Sheridan) was actually faking his mental retardation and is the real killer,(The Usual Suspects style) and is in cahoots with Gail Hailstorm. After Doofy and Gail escape, the sheriff and Cindy find Doofy's disguise in the street and as Cindy cries out in the street over this discovery, she is run over by a passing car, while the driver is getting fellatio.During the end credits, two scenes are shown:~ Shorty talking to the audience about his plans to rob a supermarket.~ Doofy breaking up with his vacuum and making love with it.
    

Scary Movie

Waynehead


            Plot SummaryTwo black FBI agents, Kevin and Marcus (Shawn and Marlon Wayans), have gone undercover to bust a drug dealer, but their sting falls apart. Their boss gives them a new assignment to escort two hotel heiresses, Brittany and Tiffany Wilson, to the Hamptons. The FBI has received word that there is a plot to kidnap the sisters at the Hamptons. As they are driving from the airport to the Hamptons, the girl's little dog goes out the window, and causes them to have a wreck. The two girls end up with cuts on their faces in the wreck. Brittany and Tiffany take a stand, and refuse to go to the Hamptons looking like this. If they don't go, the kidnapping plot will not occur. Kevin and Marcus will fail again, and probably lose their jobs. They decide to disguise themselves as the Wilson sisters and catch the kidnappers. Douglas Young (the-movie-guy)**************************************************************Plot SynopsisThe plot begins in a convenience store where two FBI agents and brothers, Kevin Copeland and Marcus Copeland (Shawn and Marlon Wayans), try to capture members of an organization that sells drugs inside ice cream boxes (where in they disguise as old Caribbean men that are recipients of the drugs). A gunfight ensues, Kevin and Marcus finally knock out the criminals, leaving the place in shambles. But they soon find out that the men are actually selling real ice cream. Moments later, the real drug dealers arrive and escape. The FBI supervisor, Elliott Gordon (Frankie Faison) and some agents arrive after the scene. The place gets very messy when they arrive. He gives the two agents a last chance to remain in the FBI by giving them the duty of protecting the mega-rich billionaire cruise line heiresses Brittany and Tiffany Wilson (Maitland Ward and Anne Dudek) from a kidnapping plot (known as the socialite kidnappings). When the Wilson sisters get facial cuts in a car accident, they refuse to leave the hotel due to their appearance (despite the fact their cuts are barely noticeable). The agents then disguise themselves as white women in the form of Wilson sister look-alikes in order to save their jobs. At the Hamptons hotel, Kevin and Marcus meet Brittany and Tiffany's three best friends, Karen, Tori and Lisa. They also meet their enemies Megan and Heather Vandegeld. Marcus' wife Gina gets suspicious when she hears a woman's voice while she was on the phone with Kevin. Their marriage goes through a bumpy road. Kevin shows an interest in the news reporter Denise Porter, they have a long bumpy road of trying to be men, Marcus for his wife and Kevin for Denise as well as trying to be women at the hotel. In the end they attend the "white" party, the real Tiffany and Brittany Wilson turn up and they dont know what to do, but something more important accures, they spot a suspicious man with a gun at the party.
    

White Chicks


            Katy (Jenny McCarthy) and Becka (Pamela Anderson) are talking about a cursed tape in which Katy refers to a sex tape, but Becka refers to a cursed tape (The Ring). After several paranormal events, they die when the television turns on.In a farm outside Washington, D.C., a widowed farmer and former reverend, Tom Logan (Charlie Sheen) and his clumsy brother George (Simon Rex) are walking through the farm fields when they discover a crop circle (Signs).Since the previous film, the gang have all gone their separate ways. In Washington, Cindy Campbell (Anna Faris), now an anchorwoman, announces the crop circles on the news. She picks up her paranormally endowed nephew Cody (Drew Mikuska) from school, where her best friend Brenda Meeks (Regina Hall)is his teacher. George Logan arrives to pick up his niece Sue, who is in the same class. George and Cindy are instantly smitten and he invites Cindy and Brenda to a rap-battle with his rapper friends Mahalik (Anthony Anderson) and CJ (Kevin Hart) (8 Mile).Later that evening, George competes and proves to be actually quite talented. But due to some unintentional racist blunders, he is thrown out. Following the battle, Brenda asks Cindy to keep her company, since she watched the cursed videotape herself. After playing several pranks on Cindy, she gets the rest of the popcorn in the lounge and goes to watch TV when it turns on by itself. Brenda starts getting angry at the TV and curses at it. When Brenda turns back around, the TV is on with a well on the screen. Tabitha (Marny Eng) climbs out of the well and the TV, Brenda gets into a fist fight with Tabitha in the living room while Cindy pays no attention to her. Tabitha ends up killing Brenda. George receives a phone call about the death, and Tom meets with Sayaman, who apologises for the accident involving himself and Tom's wife Annie (Denise Richards).During Brenda's wake, George and Mahalik wreak havoc on Brenda's corpse trying to bring her back to life. George ends up blowing up Brenda to which the attendees of Brenda's funeral start screaming due to the random pieces of Brenda landing in their hands. Cindy decides to watch the tape for herself and finds the tape to be a bit odd. After the tape finishes Cindy is cursed after receiving a phone call. She calls George, CJ and Mahalik for help. CJ offers that his Aunt Shaneequa might be able to help. Aunt Shaneequa (Queen Latifah), the Matrix The Oracle, and her husband Orpheus (Eddie Griffin) agree to watch the tape. Shaneequa discovers the hidden image of a lighthouse, and gets into a fight with a lady on the tape. Shaneequa tells Cindy that she must find the lighthouse to solve the mystery. When Cindy returns home, she finds that Cody watched the tape, condemning him to certain death. After receiving several phone calls from Tabitha, Cindy and George start discussing the tape.Back at work, Cindy searches through pictures of lighthouses before finding the one from the tape. Desperate to save Cody's life, Cindy tries to warn everyone by entering a message into the news anchor's teleprompter, but she is interrupted by her boss and a janitor. The Logans hear the message and take it seriously since they encountered an alien disguised as Michael Jackson, and President Baxter Harris (Leslie Nielsen), who personally visits the farm to investigate the crop circles.Cindy ventures to the lighthouse, where she encounters The Architect (George Carlin). The loquacious (and lecherous) old man explains the story behind the killer tape. Tabitha was his evil adopted daughter, whom his wife drowned in the farm's well, but not before she imprinted her evil onto the tape. Unfortunately, he mistook the evil tape for a copy of Pootie Tang and returned it to Blockbuster instead, unleashing the curse.Returning home, Cindy discovers that her station has been broadcasting the evil tape for hours, and there have been various sightings of aliens around the world. Worse, Cody is missing. Cindy manages to track him back to the Logan farm, where he has taken refuge with George. Tom orders everybody into the basement for safety, as he, George and Mahalik go outside to fight off the extraterrestrials. The aliens (voiced by Tom Kenny) arrive but reveal that they are in fact friendly and have come to stop Tabitha, since they accidentally watched the tape on a broadcast they had intercepted, thinking it was Pootie Tang.In the basement, Cindy realizes that the farm's cellar is what is seen on the tape and she finds the well where Tabitha was drowned under the cellar floor. Suddenly, Tabitha appears behind her. A short fight ensues, during which Tabitha takes Cody hostage. Cindy and George appeal to her, offering her a place in their family. Tabitha appears to accept the offer, and Cindy replies with "Really?" but Tabitha replies with "Nah, I'm just screwing with you," and advances to Cindy and the others, but is accidentally knocked back into the well by President Harris. The aliens leave in peace, and Cindy and George get married and Brenda makes a special appearance. Leaving for their honeymoon, they realize they forget to take Cody with them. At first, Cody is about to get hit by Cindy's car in an intersection, but she put the brakes this time to prevent it from happening, much to Cody's relief. Unfortunately, another car passes by on the intersection, and hits Cody.
    

Scary Movie 3


            The sequel to Scary Movie begins with a parody of The Exorcist, in which Megan Voorhees (Natasha Lyonne), is possessed and two priests, Father McFeely (James Woods) and Father Harris (Andy Richter), must drive the demon out. The exorcism doesn't go as planned, and a chain of The Exorcist-like vomiting occurs. Megan insults McFeely's mother and he shoots her in the head.One year later, Cindy Campbell (Anna Faris), Brenda Meeks (Regina Hall), Ray Wilkins (Shawn Wayans) and Shorty Meeks (Marlon Wayans) are at college, trying to live new lives, after the events in the previous movie. (Although all of them died in Scary Movie, in a deleted scene, Brenda says her death was a near death experience, and Cindy was never officially declared dead.) Cindy and Brenda get tagged by a dorky girl, Alex Monday (Tori Spelling); Ray, who is still confused by his sexuality, has two new friends, Tommy (James DeBello) and Buddy (Christopher Masterson); while Shorty is still the same stoner he was in the last movie.The story begins when a college teacher, Professor Oldman (Tim Curry) and his wheelchair-bound assistant Dwight (David Cross) plan to study the paranormal activity at Hell House, with the clueless teens as bait and for Oldman to get action with the college girls. Newcomer Theo (Kathleen Robertson) also becomes part of the study group.When Cindy arrives at the Hell House, she meets a talking Amazon parrot who is vulgar and slanderous, and the caretaker, Hanson (Chris Elliott), who has great people skills and a genetically malformed little hand. After some weird incidents on that night (Cindy being beaten up by a cat, a toy clown attacking Ray after he had sex with Brenda, Shorty getting attacked and smoked by a weed-monster, and Alex having sex with a ghost and it "humps" her. The teens finally learn about the professor's plan and try to escape the mansion.The professor gets killed by a female ghost with disfigured features as the ghost of Hell House's owner, Hugo Kane, seals all exits of the manor to prevent the surviving occupants from escaping. Realizing that killing the ghost is the only way out, the teens are equipped with several technological devices by Dwight that serve to harass and injure the spectral enemy. They are pursued all throughout the mansion. Cindy is chased by an undead skeleton and Brenda rips his bones. Shorty meets the ghost who killed the professor but puts a paper bag on her face and has sex with her. Hanson gets possessed, and Cindy, Brenda and Theo parody Charlie's Angels to get him, but end up beaten up. Eventually, they use Cindy as bait to lure the Kane ghost to a device that ultimately destroys him.Two months later, taking care of the parrot though he despises her for talking too much, Cindy and Buddy are in a relationship and go out on a walk until Buddy disappears without notice as she looks up to see Hanson serving at the hot dog stand. She screams "No!" while Hanson screams "Yes!". Hanson is instantly hit by a car driven by Shorty, who is receiving oral sex by the female ghost...with a bag over her head to hide her facial deformities.
    

Scary Movie 2

New Blood


            Shaquille O'Neal and Dr. Phil wake up chained in a bathroom (spoofing Saw). Shaq has to make a free throw with a huge rock in order to get the saw down to cut off their legs (spoofing Shaq's famous difficulties at the free-throw line). Shaq and Dr. Phil have only two minutes to free themselves of their leg braces before dying from the room's airborne nerve gas. Finally, Shaq makes the basket and lowers the saws down. Dr. Phil ends up sawing off the wrong foot, thereby remaining chained and the two are presumed to be dead.Tom Logan (Charlie Sheen), spoofing Bill Pullman's character from The Grudge, wakes up. There are three girls (from The Girls Next Door on E!) in his bed who later have a pillow fight. He tries to kill himself by taking too many sleeping pills but the pills turn out to be Viagra, resulting in him tumbling over a balustrade, landing on his erect penis, and dying. Cindy Campbell goes to get a new job (parodying Sarah Michelle Gellar's character in The Grudge). She's been asked to be a caretaker for the creepy "Grudge House." She receives a tour inside, Cindy expects nothing and she gets a 'feeling of evil' as the guide tries to hide the overflowing hair on the ceiling, in drawers and baskets and on his head; and The Grudge Boy in the bathtub by pushing him down with a plunger, and then walks out naked and Cindy smiles and says "I'll take it".Meanwhile, Cindy's neighbour Tom Ryan (Craig Bierko), spoofing Tom Cruise's character in War of the Worlds, gets fired from his job as a crane operator at the docks. At a bar afterwards he runs into Mahalik (Anthony Anderson) and CJ (Kevin Hart) where it is revealed, in a parody of Brokeback Mountain, that the two have started a homosexual relationship. Tom gets home, where his ex-wife (Molly Shannon) has just arrived with his children, Robbie and Rachel, who both resent him. Cindy's job is to look after the incapacitated Mrs. Norris (Cloris Leachman), however she is incompetent at it, to the point of accidentally sponge bathing Mrs. Norris with her own urine. Throughout the night Cindy notices strange events going on in the house, culminating in her finding a ghostly boy in the attic.The next morning she confides in Tom about the events of the previous night, which leads to a conversation about their past relationships. Cindy has a flashback to her first marriage, showing a big African-American man cussing her out, and then another to her second marriage, to the death of her husband George (Simon Rex) where, in a parody of Million Dollar Baby, George trips and breaks his neck (as do numerous members of the audience) during a boxing match between Cindy and Tiffany Stone, a female version of Mike Tyson also showing a pile of bitten-off ears. As they share a kiss, the sky suddenly goes stormy and everything electrical stops working (In the real movie cars stopped working, but in this movie cars, bicycles, skateboards and a man runs out of a toilet, trousers down and holding a newspaper ("My bowels have stopped moving!"). Tom goes to investigate, and discovers the world has come under attack by gigantic triPods (giant iPods) that play 80s music... and then switches to the "Destroy Humanity" playlist, transforming the iPods into actual Tripods, which vaporize the humans they zap (it was also showed three people which seemed to be rappers, get vaporized and dropping a huge pile of bling-blings).Cindy runs back into her house and finds the ghost boy again. They began talking in "Japanese" (actually Japanese brand names and "buzz words" such as Sony, Mitsubishi, and Fujitsu), in what may be a parody of the scene between Beatrix Kiddo and Pai Mei in Kill Bill in which Pai Mei says "Your Japanese is lousy. It dishonors my ears.", which the ghost boy says to Cindy. She is told by the ghost boy that she can find the answer to the alien attack when she finds his father. He gives her directions to his location but Cindy couldn't read them so they transformed into a Yahoo map so that Cindy could read it. Tom splits up with Cindy and flees with his kids. Cindy runs into Brenda Meeks (Regina Hall), who apparently faked her death in Scary Movie 3, and together they manage to find the last working car and follow the directions of the ghost boy.The scene then changes to the President of the United States being informed that aliens are attacking. President Baxter Harris (Leslie Nielsen) is sitting in Edna R. Penhall Elementary School, listening to a book being read (something about a duck); when his aide Jamison (Alonzo Bodden) comes, he sits motionless, wanting to hear the rest of the story. This mirrors George W. Bush's being read a children's story for seven minutes, after being told about the September 11 attacks. At an emergency session of the UN, and a round of horribly inappropriate jokes, President Harris reveals a weapon made to combat the aliens. Scientists have taken the lasers used by the TriPods, which kill the people but leave their clothes behind, and modified it to do the opposite to the aliens. The members of the UN get an unexpected, and quite unwelcome, demonstration when President Harris accidentally hits the switch and is soon standing in front of all the delegates, completely unaware that he is totally naked. Its not long before the entire UN is stark naked. Baxter's aide Harper (Bryan Callen) tells Baxter that he's naked too where Baxter thinks that he was wearing a wrinkly leather coat. Harper escorts the President out of the UN.Cindy and Brenda come across a village that is a hundred years behind modern times. After unsuccessfully trying to steal clothes off some villagers, they take some from a laundry basket and attempt to fit in. Unfortunately, they are captured and are taken into a court to decide their fate. Henry Hale (Bill Pullman), the head of the village, rules that Cindy and Brenda may stay in the village, but they may never leave.Tom and his children run into a battle between the Army and triPods. Robbie decides to join the fight, excited by the graphic violence. While Tom tries to dissuade him, Michael Jackson (who has gathered a bunch of children) tries to persuade Rachel to come with him, but Tom manages to stop her in time. Unfortunately, Robbie gets away. Jackson is zapped by the triPod's heat ray; the first blast causes him to revert to his Bad appearance, the second into his Thriller appearance, and the third reveals his true form - a balding middle-aged black man - before a fourth blast destroys him totally, leaving only his nose. Tom and his daughter flee into house protected by Oliver (Michael Madsen), parodying Tim Robbins' character from War of the Worlds, who is telling them that they should make their own tripods ("Ours will have FOUR legs").That night, the village is attacked by Those We Don't Speak Of, however it is discovered that they are simply villagers in costumes. Next door, Henry is stabbed by the mentally challenged Ezekiel (Chris Elliott). Henry reveals to Cindy and Brenda that he is the father of the ghost boy, who was killed at Cindy's boxing match because everyone snapped their necks and Don King crushed him. He tells Cindy that only she has the power to defeat the triPods. At that point, Cindy and Brenda get captured by a triPod, as do Tom and Rachel.The characters wake up in the bathroom from Saw. Cindy and Brenda are wearing the "Venus Fly Trap" from Saw II and Tom is wearing a device that would shoot a large dildo into his anus. Jigsaw appears on a monitor on the wall, and tells them they have 60 seconds to get the Venus Fly Traps off before they close. Eventually, Cindy figures out (after much prompting) that she has to get the key from behind her eye, which she does with ease, because the key was behind a glass eye she got due to a "bad bar fight in '96". Cindy frees them from their traps, and Tom's kids come down from the ceiling, about to be sliced into bits unless he holds onto a rope which happens to be between an iron maiden. He grabs onto the rope which leaves him open to another torture device called the Nut Cracker, which gives him various punishments such as kicking his crotch, and giving him a purple nurple and a wet willy. Moments before their deaths, Cindy finds photos in the toilet of Jigsaw, a woman, and the ghost boy, and realizes that Jigsaw was the ghost boy's real father, and the entire invasion was revenge for his son's death. He then says "Anyone can hold a grudge, but it takes real courage to forgive," and it is at this time that Jigsaw comes into the spotlight. He then tells them that the invasion is over and allows them to leave.He apologizes for the invasion and killing millions of people, and then Brenda (who went through a rotating wall into the control room earlier) and Jigsaw's brother, Zoltar, emerge from the other room, where they have just had sex. Jigsaw asks Zoltar if he caught anything, Zoltar replies that Brenda (untruthfully) told him she was a virgin and Jigsaw finishes by saying "We are so fucked." Nine months later, Brenda gives birth to a baby that looks just like Jigsaw and Zoltar.After that, James Earl Jones gets hit by a bus (which may be referring to what happened to Terry in Final Destination) while delivering Morgan Freeman's closing lines from War of the Worlds.A five minute epilogue spoofs the Tom Cruise couch incident by showing an Oprah Winfrey Show episode with Tom Ryan jumping on a couch with Oprah (played by Debra Wilson). Tom runs around the studio, does backflips (performed by David Leighton), swings across the studio, and chews/rips apart one of the couch cushions. Cindy Campbell walks in and gets thrown by Tom off the stage. Tom then breaks Oprah's hands and wrists, smashes a chair over her head, runs towards the camera lens, and the screen goes black.
    

Scary Movie 4


            Calvin (Marlon Wayans) has just been released from prison. They open the door of the prison to reveal him to be a midget. His accomplice, wannabe rapper Percy (Tracy Morgan), picks up Calvin and tells him they need to get a diamond from a local jewelry store, which will pay each of them 50,000 dollars. Percy (P-Unit) says he needs it to start his record studio.Meanwhile, at a swank restaurant, Darryl (Shawn Wayans) is talking to his friend Jimmy (David Alan Grier), telling him to come out when the time is right. Soon Vanessa (Kerry Washington) arrives and tells Darryl she has news. Right before she says it all, Darryl's friend pops out playing "Gonna Have My Baby". She says that she actually got a promotion, and he pops out singing "Celebration" before shouting out, "REMIX!" Eventually he is shooed by Darryl, and it is revealed she doesn't want a baby like Darryl does.Eventually, Calvin and Percy reach the jewelry store, where the diamond is located. They go inside the store, with Calvin in a duffel bag. Percy puts down the bag and begins to talk to a worker, who, after Percy tells her he is a rapper, begins acting "gangsta" to get his business. Meanwhile, Calvin goes under the table holding the diamond and removes the diamond by sawing a circle under the table and removing it. Calvin then gets back in the bag and crawls back to where Percy dropped him. Also, a dog gets in the bag with Calvin not knowing. When Percy picks up the bag, an old lady notices her dog is missing and alerts security, leading to the diamond's disappearance being noticed. Percy runs out with the bag and they get in the car.As they take off, they only drive around in circles, as a boot got put on their car. They then get out and run on foot as two police men chase them. They hide in a store while police find another black guy and begin beating him. Meanwhile, Calvin hides the diamond in a lady's purse to get rid of the evidence. Calvin and Percy meet up after police leave, believing they lost their man. They decide to follow the couple home.When they reach their home, they discover that Darryl wants a baby. This leads to the idea to disguise Calvin as a baby and get the diamond back. Percy rings the bell and hides in the bushes. Darryl and Vanessa answer the door, finding the "baby" and a note from Percy asking them to take care for his baby because he could not. After an attempt to call child services, they discover they can't bring him in, as they're closed. When they change his diaper, they are in shock. Vanessa's father (John Witherspoon) lives with them. He's the only one who doesn't trust the baby. After Calvin coughs horribly, they decide to take him to the doctors.At the doctors, they discover a scar from a knife fight or appendix removal, as well as a tattoo, which they blame on bad parenting. After the checkup, Calvin steals the purse with the diamond in it while Darryl and Vanessa try to figure out what they have to do with the baby. Darryl wants to keep him while Vanessa wants to get rid of him. Calvin, meanwhile, runs into a police officer outside the room, who treats him like a baby. Before he can check the purse, Vanessa finds him and grabs the purse. Right when she is about to turn Calvin over, he calls her "Mama", leading to her keeping him for the weekend. After bringing him home, they decide to invite their friends to meet the baby and loan them baby stuff for the weekend. During the weekend, Calvin has to suffer several unpleasant humiliations, such as bath time. He believes Vanessa will be joining him in the bath, only for it to be Darryl. Darryl strips naked, jumps in the bath and Vanessa leaves them. It is here that Darryl decides to relieve himself of a large build up of flatulence and breaks wind several times in the bath. Calvin is forced to suffer all through bath time, as Darryl's flatulence is incessant and he breaks wind powerfully and without hesitation.Cut to Percy going into a shady bar run by mafia kingpin Walken (Chazz Palminteri) who offered to pay them for the diamond. He threatens Percy, telling him he had 24 hours before his goons would get involved.Back at the home, Darryl and Vanessa's friends arrive. They include Greg (Lochlyn Munro), Brittany (Brittany Daniel), Richard (Fred Stoller) and Janet (Alex Borstein). They take turns trying to describe the ugly baby, such as "National Geographic Beauty". Brittany and Janet go into the kitchen with Calvin. Calvin pulls himself onto Brittany, who suggests breast feeding after he tugs at her breasts a few times. He says yes, expecting her to do it, but is sadly mistaken when Janet offers to do it. Calvin bites her and runs away. Soon we see their friends leave, with Brittany stopping to give Calvin a kiss, leading to him frenching her. After all their friends leave, Vanessa and Darryl put Calvin to bed.Calvin decides to stay up and wait to take the diamond and leave, but is incapable of fighting off the lullaby, and falls asleep. He wakes up later that night and goes downstairs to call Percy and get the diamond. While on the phone, though, Pops comes in, shotgun in hand. He starts threatening Calvin before Darryl comes in. Darryl takes Calvin away, not believing Pops, and warms up some milk for him. He then sits Calvin down and begins an emotional speech about wanting to be a father. Vanessa watches as he talks, and finally laughs as Darryl and Calvin drink their milk. When asked why, she reveals the milk to be Janet's breast milk. This causes both of them to spit it out. Darryl and Vanessa begin getting romantic as Calvin watches in his crib. The next morning, Vanessa wakes up as Darryl comes in. She looks happy, saying she can't remember the last time they did it twice in one night. He looks puzzled as Calvin comes up from under the blanket.Vanessa makes a nice breakfast for Pops and Darryl. Pops comes down while Calvin is watching a kids show. She gives Pops his breakfast while he turns the TV to the news. Right before they show a photo of Calvin, the suspect of the diamond heist, he repeatedly cries out D-Rex, leading Vanessa to change it back. Pops begins to read the paper as Calvin eyes his breakfast. Soon he jumps over and grabs his food, one item at a time. Eventually Pops realizes his food is gone and blames Calvin. Vanessa brushes him off as he leaves for a diner. Darryl comes down stairs and grabs his breakfast as Vanessa leaves for work. He begins to feed Calvin who hides his face, prompting a game of peek-a-boo. Soon Calvin gets tired of it and smacks him over the head with a frying pan. As Calvin drags Darryl's body, he grabs the diamond out of her purse. Vanessa comes back in as she forgot her purse and wakes up Darryl from his unconsciousness. She scolds him for sleeping, and he looks puzzled. Calvin hides the diamond in a diaper bag while Vanessa leaves.Darryl and Calvin go to the park and play multiple games, each one resulting with Darryl getting hit between the legs. Eventually Darryl and his friends go for ice cream, leaving Calvin with Brittany and Janet. Percy shows up as Calvin tries to find the right diaper bag. He grabs one as the moms find him, thinking he was trying to kidnap Calvin. They chase Percy down as he tries to run off with the bag. He gets beaten before getting away. Darryl arrives and hears the news, deciding to take Calvin home. As they load the car, Calvin begs for keys. He keeps on whining and kicking Darryl in the shin until he gives Calvin the keys. Calvin gets in the car and takes off, leading Darryl to believe someone stole the car. He stops the mini van driver (Molly Shannon) and begs her to chase down the car. She does and drives like a mad man as she tracks down the car. After a lengthy chase, the car is stopped, and the police open the car to reveal Calvin crying in the backseat. The police are convinced the car jacker got away.Calvin is tied up and Darryl debates going to a hockey game. They decide to go to the game with Calvin. At the game, Calvin takes the diamond and swallows it to hide it from Darryl. He then grabs a beer from the man next to him and drinks it to keep it down. The drink lady comes down and asks if he wants some more, and he gets some, as do Darryl and his two friends. Calvin makes a crude comment ("nice ass!") as the lady passes Darryl and she believes it was him, calling him a pig. Calvin calls her a tramp, and she pours a beer on Darryl. Calvin drinks the beer again, leading him(the guy to Calvins left) to believe Darryl did it. Soon a cheap check costs a visiting team's player a trip to the box as fans boo him. He then challenges all of them, and Calvin throws a beer at the man. The player, thinking it was Darryl, comes into the stands and Calvin climbs up on top of the player and attacks him. The man then throws Calvin to the ground and stomps on him. We see a bruised Calvin in bed as Darryl talks about not being a good father. Then he decides to throw Calvin a birthday party.Percy brings the diaper bag to Walken, who opens it to reveal nothing but dirty diapers and other baby items. He is then told by the Walken that he'll give him more time, but he better deliver. After Percy leaves, the boss tells his men that he suspects betrayal by Percy's partner, and to follow Percy.At the birthday party, Calvin picks a fight with D-Rex (Rob Schneider), by calling him a loser in a blue dinosaur suit who has no money. Then that leads to Calvin running behind D-Rex,ripping his tail wide open,crawling up into his suit, and beating him up from the inside! Eventually Darryl gets Calvin away from the dead D-Rex to play football with the other boys and their dads. At the start, the other team, led by Greg who stiff arms the children, are winning. Soon though, Calvin and another kid decide to kick it up a notch and use brutal force to take down the other team, leading them to victory. After Greg gets hit between the legs by Calvin making a touchdown, his son walks up to him(Greg),says "Dad,you suck!,"and kicks him in the head. Meanwhile, Darryl answers a knock at the door where Percy says he is Calvin's father here to get him. Darryl beats him up, which the mob goons see, leading them to believe Darryl was Percy's partner, and he took the diamond for himself.Meanwhile, Pops watches the news at a diner and sees Calvin as the prime suspect in the diamond heist. He decides to stop him.Back at the party, Calvin is given a cake and begins to cry, as he never had a birthday or parents. Pops shows up with a teddy bear, saying he was wrong about Calvin. Calvin goes inside where he sees Janet give her son Castor Oil. Calvin decides to drink it and poop out the diamond. He drinks it and goes as Vanessa and Darryl watch. Darryl leaves Vanessa to change his diaper, where she finds the diamond, thinking it to be a diamond for her ring, which had none. She decides to take him out to dinner, leaving Pops and Calvin alone. It is now that Calvin reveals to Pops that he is a criminal. He then beats up Pops and calls Percy, telling him to show up in an hour.At the restaurant, Darryl tries to tell Vanessa that he didn't get that for her, but he stops when she says she wants to adopt Calvin. Afterwards, Vanessa and Darryl come home to find Pops strangling Calvin. Vanessa then calls the retirement home, who come to take away Pops. He shouts "The teddy bear knows!" Before being taken away. Vanessa puts Calvin in bed as she cries and goes in the bathroom. Darryl remembers the bear comment and finds the bear, revealing it to be a camera. He hooks it up to the TV, and watches as Calvin reveals himself not to be a baby to Pops on screen. He runs upstairs to tell Vanessa, both of whom discover Calvin to be missing as is the diamond.Percy, while driving with Calvin, tells his partner that Walken thinks Darryl betrayed Percy and he has the diamond, so they are free to keep the diamond. Calvin realizes Darryl and Vanessa are in danger and he needs to go back. He does and finds Darryl, where the two confront each other about him lying about being a baby. Calvin apologizes, and before it can go any farther, the Walken and his two goons bust in. They threaten to hurt Calvin and Darryl. Eventually, Calvin knocks out the goons while the boss threatens Darryl while still maintaining his baby disguise. Calvin comes in and throws a plane that hits the boss below the waist. The police come in and arrest the mob boss and his goons. Calvin returns the diamond to the police and they tell Darryl he will receive a 100,000 dollar reward. After the police leave, Darryl and Calvin have a tearful goodbye, where Calvin reveals he liked being their kid. Darryl follows Calvin outside and they decide to go to a bar.During the credits, though, Pops and Calvin are looking at Vanessa and Janet's baby. Calvin remarks that the baby looks just like his father.
    

Little Man


            Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan get together to make a sex tape with over 20 cameras beside Charlie's bed. The time-lapsed tape fast forwards through the two doing all sorts of bedroom antics, including gymnastics, riding a horse, and having clowns jump in under the sheets. Charlie is pulled into the air by a paranormal force and thrown against walls, shelves, and doors until he lands on the bed again. Lindsay is frightened so she decides to go home when she flies into the air as well; she becomes possessed and throws him into the camera and kills him. The text explains that Charlie's body was found that day but he didn't stop partying until days later, and that his three kids were found missing, Lohan was arrested, again, and a reward was put out for the missing children.Several months later, Snoop Dogg and Mac Miller are walking in the Humboldt County woods in search of cannabis plants to steal. After stealing one and fleeing, they take shelter in a cabin in the woods. Upon entering they see three strange creatures, later confirmed to be Charlie's children, and turn them in for the reward. The feral children are placed in isolation at a child development research center for a few months until they are deemed well enough to be returned to familial custody. When Charlie's brother, Dan Sanders and his wife Jody come to collect them, they are told they can have them if they agree to stay in a large suburban middle-class home fitted with security cameras. Jody is reluctant to take the kids at first but soon adjusts to having them. In an attempt to bond with their new children, Jody auditions for a ballet performance, Swan Lake, and is cast in the lead role as the Swan Queen.Meanwhile, a continuing pattern of bizarre paranormal activity in their new home makes them investigate further. They eventually learn from the children that the attacks on their home are by "Mama", the mother of the children, who is under a curse and is trying to get them back so she can sacrifice both herself and the children. Maria, the couple's Hispanic live-in maid, is frightened and keeps experimenting with various rituals, Catholic and otherwise, to ward off the evil spirits in the house. During the day, Dan is frustrated with the modest progress of his test subjects at a primate intelligence research facility; ironically, Dan is not bright enough to realize that one of the chimpanzees, Caesar, is now actually much smarter than him.Jody (Ashley Tisdale) and Dan, with the help of Jody's close friend Kendra, must quickly find a way to lift the curse and save their family. Along the way, they seek the assistance of psychic Blaine Fulda, who turns out to be a complete fraud, and a dream extractor named Dom Kolb, who helps them understand that the solution to their problems lies in the mysterious Book of the Dead. However, Jody and Kendra fail to see what the book is capable of, oblivious to five friends continuously becoming possessed and reviving in the cabin. They wreck havoc when either of the two read the two passages of the book; one that unleashes demons, "gort klaatu barada nikto", and the other that revives them from possession. When "Mama" takes the children to a cliff to sacrifice them, Jody fails to lift the curse with the book, but does manage to knock the evil spirit into Snoop Dogg and Mac Miller's pool containing a live shark, which then devours her.Realizing the love for her adopted children is all she needs in life, Jody gives the part of the Swan Queen to Kendra, who performs the dance in the style to that of a stripper. The performance is heavily applauded by an audience that includes Jody, Dan, the children, and Madea. The story's narrator is revealed to be Caesar, who then informs the audience that the humans should enjoy as much time they had on earth and says that apes will one day take over the world.In a post credit scene, Charlie wakes up, with Dom Kolb sitting beside him, from a dream extraction (which the dream was the whole movie). After Kolb informs that Charlie will be sleeping with Lindsay Lohan, a car crashes into the room, killing Charlie. Revealing Lindsay as the driver, she gets out of the car, says to Kolb "You were driving" and throws him the keys, blaming the accident on him.
    

Scary Movie V


            The film opens with a large dance showdown. Thomas Uncles (Damon Wayans Jr.) and his crew are engaged in a fierce showdown which results in a tie. During the dance off, Thomas pees on the competition, only to be countered with a dancer who spins so fast he drills into the floor. The judge says that the only way to settle the score is with a rematch. Thomas doesnt want to bet someone elses money on the match, but one of his crew says they can win if they pull off a signature move. Thomas warns against it since the person who does the move could become crippled for life. Thomas tells him that theres no I in team and the other man starts listing words that could have an I and include others. He disregards what Thomas is saying and bets 5,000 on the outcome of the match. The judge lies about the amount of money several times, each time getting a gun pointed at his head until he announces that the winner walks away with 10,000 dollars.Thomas crew member, D, takes up the challenge and does a special move on his head. However, the other team put oil on the floor and D flies out of the building and down the street while on his head. He then falls off an overpass and dies. Thomas's team loses and their boss is angry that they lost 5,000 dollars.Megan White (Shoshana Bush) is on a train. A very large black woman with a bunch of kids asks if the seat next to her is taken. Her kids smack Megan into the glass. The mother sees Megan looking at a Dance catalog and asks if she dances. Megan recounts how she used to be a ballet dancer and smacked her family in the face before going to a dance competition. Her mother was on her way to the competition when she was in a crash. Ignored by people who just wanted to steal free gas, her mother was forced to get out of the car on her on. She gets hit by several cars until Halle Berrys Catwoman hits her with her car and forces her into an open grave. Meanwhile, Megan dances for the judges in a scene which parodies Abigail Breslins dance routine at the end of Little Miss Sunshine until the judges throw a pie in her face. The judges reject her and then tell her that her mom died. The lady on the train, disgusted by the story, takes her kids away from Megan and leave Megan with Punch Me written on her and cornrows.Thomas and his partner arrive at their bosss house. Their boss is huge and demands that they give him the food he asked them to bring. After he eats, the boss tells them that he heard about the dance battle and that he will give them a week to get his money back or he will kill them. They leave.Megan is picked up by her father at the train station and he asks her if she has any baggage. She responds that he left her when she was 10, her mom is dead, and that she hasnt been on a date in a year because of her looks. Her dad cuts her off and tells her he means luggage. She points to all the luggage covering the station and tells him theyre hers. He takes her to his rat trap apartment and tells her hes squatting.Outside the building a rap battle occurs and the rapper brags about his latest killing spree. A crowd member tells him his rap was good and arrests him, playing back the rap as a confession. In a car next to the rappers, a mother tells her son Ray that theres no ways to beat around the bushyoure blind son. He tells her he knows and she tells him that hes on his own and kicks him out of the car. He falls into an open manhole.Megan walks around her new school with the principal and sees it is not a normal high school (the principal scolds a couple for wearing a condom, and tells a graffiti artist to use spray paint instead of permanent marker). The principal gives Megan her locker and leaves her. Megan meets her neighbor Charity, a girl with a baby who gave birth during a dance off. Megan is surprised that Charity brings her baby to school with her, and Charity says its so she knows her baby is safe. Charity then hangs her baby in the locker and leaves for class.In class, an overweight girl name Tracy flirts with a boy named Jack. Tracy asks if Jack has a dance partner for the Romeo and Juliet performance. Jack is obviously gay, but Tracy doesnt pick up on it. The acting professor comes in and starts asking the students what they are willing to do for art. Thomas launches into a streak of insulting Employee of the Month, while Megan defends the movie saying that she saw it four times. The teacher enjoys the debate and then points out that most actors are white and that what few roles are available are for the Wayans Brothers (a reference to the fact that they made the movie.) He tells the class that the one thing all actors have is dignity, and then establishes the fact that he sold out for money (which to him equals dignity).Megan goes to her dance lesson with her teacher Mrs. Cameltoe, who goes through them and starts insulting every student. One student commits suicide from the comments. Cameltoe wants them all to step up their game.Meanwhile, Jack is playing basketball with his dad. Jack asks if its ok to want to try something new and begins describing gay sex graphically. His father mistakes it for wanting to join the wrestling team. Jack is then dismissed for lunch. Megan is at lunch and tries to sit with the rich dancers but they insult her and force her to leave. Charity takes Megan to a different table and sits with two black girls who Charity sits next to look better. Charity tells Megan that Thomas is her brother when Megan calls him an asshole. Megan tries to backpedal but Charity has some fun with it.A lunch singing dance scene takes off. Jack leads it and comes out of the closet. A girl named Nora is trying to find a dance partner but none of the guys can handle her weight. She only weighs 97 pounds. The janitor lifts her but she farts, so he throws her over his shoulder. Outside, Charity tells Megan about a dance party thats happening that night and asks if shes 21. Megan tells her no, so they arrange to get her an ID.Charity and Megan meet up with her friends and Charity gives Megan a makeover in a car. When Megan comes out, shes black. In the bar, Charity sees her babys dad and the dad starts flirting with Charity. She leaves Megan alone at the bar and Thomas comes over. He makes pointless small talks. Charity tells her baby daddy that they should have another kid, and he bolts. Meanwhile, Thomas hears his favorite song and asks Megan to dance.Thomas dances around Megan and they dance in a really lame manner reminiscent of dance dance revolution. Thomas and his partner run into the dance crew they lost to early. They trade insults before bouncing out of the club. Thomas leaves angry and Megan follows him wanting to find out more. He shrugs it off and Thomas offers to walk with Meganso she will protect him from thugs. He tells her he enjoyed the night and offers to work on dance moves with her.The next day they work on their dance moves. He tells her she needs to be more aggressive and then he ends up beating her brutally when she pushes him. She asks him about his partner, Akon. Thomas tells her he doesnt want to be a thug forever and that he wants to be a doctor so that he can work on vaginas. Thomas asks about Megans mom and then gets her to run around the school screaming MY MOM IS DEADCharity and Megan are in her room when the Baby Daddy arrives to pick up his son. He picks him up for 5 seconds, holds him, puts him back and leaves. Thomas gets into Just Community College and theres a lot of Congratulations passed around. Thomas then takes Megan out to celebrate. He takes her to a showing of MY MOM DIED IN A CAR CRASH a performance about Megans mom. Megan breaks down crying while Thomas laughs his ass off. Afterward, Megan expresses her desire to have her mom back and stopped dancing because of her. Thomas tells her that her moms death was her fault since she set ridiculous expectations. Thomas tells her that if she wants to get into Julliard she needs to move past the baggage. Theyre about to kiss when some black girls walk by and Thomas pretends not to know her.Thomas' boss sends thugs to collect Akon and Thomas. He tries to signal Megan to call the cops by telling her to call him at 9:11, that he bought Police concert tickets and that theres a marathon of COPS on television that she should look into. Shes oblivious so Thomas is taken to his presumed death. The boss is angry that Akon and Thomas dont have his money. He enters them into the next dance battle and tells them that they better win.Cut to basketball. The girls are playing basketball in the gym. Nora starts mocking Megan before showing that Thomas recorded them having sex (One Night in Megan) and started selling it. The two start fighting in the gym. Jacks dad is there whipping the mens wrestling team into shape and starts screaming at them with homosexual innuendos riddling the speech. Jack screams in support of it, and his Dad thinks its good team spirit and agrees with him. Charity says that Nora is just an oppressed white girl and Megan takes offense to that saying that she paid her dues. It shows Megan receiving a DUI and attempting to fellate an officer when he asks her to blow on the breathalyzer.Meanwhile, Akon hatches a plan to kill their boss in order to avoid paying back the debt. Thomas doesnt want to do it. During a dance session with Thomas, Megan dumps him because they spend more time defending their relationship than having one. Thomas leaves and starts dancing in the rain to vent his frustrations and prep for the dance off. During his routine hes electrocuted by lightening.Charity brings her son to the playground and the Baby Daddy shows up. He asks to talk and lets her know that things are going to be different and that he wants to be a better father even though he doesnt know his sons name. He wants his son to wake up every morning and see his face. The Baby Daddy leaves a picture of himself and tells her to hang it on the babys wall. He then leaves.Thomas meets up with Akon and his friends and tells them that hes not going to participate in a drive by on their boss. Akon tells him that he cant go to J.C.C. like Thomas and tells him that his life is that of a gangster. They drive off to kill the boss, leaving Thomas alone.Megan hears about the fact that Thomas is 5,000 dollars in debt and starts to set up a crew to win the dance battle. Megan grabs Tracy, Nora and Jack to form a crew to win the contest money and leaves her own school showcase to help Thomas.Just as the winner is about to be announced by the judge, Thomas arrives and challenges the crew that beat him in the beginning. Megan arrives with her crew and the dance off begins. Akon arrives to back up Thomas telling him that someone else already took out their boss. The crews face off and pull off a well choreographed routine. Megan falls down and suffers with self doubt. She starts dancing like a stripper on a poll (including spinning around the poll with her teeth). Akon and Thomas start dancing with roller skates and shorts. Akon carries Thomas on his head and little disco balls come out of Thomass shorts. The Judge announces that the dance off is a tie. He gets pissed at the decision of the panel and tells the crew that each crew gets one dance move and that the audience will decide the winner. The other crew steals D performed before he died. Hope seems lost when Thomas and Akons fat boss arrives and starts dancing. He pulls off a killer fat man routine which impresses the judges panel and the audience. The boss crushes the leader of the other team, leaving him pressed into the floor and winning the competition.Megan and Thomas reconcile as Mrs. Cameltoe arrives. Megan tells Mrs. Cameltoe that the only way to earn respect is on the street. Mrs. Cameltoe starts beat boxing with her vagina. On prom night, Thomas and Megan go to the dance together. Thomas asks if Megan knows her and tells her that she needs to see him in the light. He tells her he should be afraid and turns into a blue vampire. Megan tells her hes not scary and that shes just disappointed. He returns to normal and they dance. Theyre about to kiss when Megan sees some white guys and pretends not to know Thomas.Parodies* Footloose
* Save the Last Dance
* You Got Served * Stomp the Yard
* Step Up * Flashdance * Step Up 2: The Streets * Hairspray * Singin' in the Rain
* Little Miss Sunshine
* The House Bunny
* Crash
* Black Snake Moan * High School Musical * Fame * Honey
* Bring It On
* Center Stage
* Twilight * Roll Bounce * Notorious
* Superbad * Catwoman * 1 Night in Paris * Ray
* Dreamgirls * Edward Scissorhands
* Enchanted * Final Destination
* America's Best Dance Crew
* Coyote Ugly
* So You Think You Can Dance
* ATL
* White Chicks
* Alice in Wonderland
* Spiderman
    

Shawn Wayans

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