
            Dante Hicks (Brian O'Halloran) is a clerk at the Quick Stop, a local convenience store in Leonardo, New Jersey. On Dante's day off, his boss calls him in to cover a few hours for another employee who is sick. Arriving at the store, he finds that padlocks for the security shutters are jammed closed with chewing gum, so he hangs a sheet over them with a message in shoe polish: I ASSURE YOU; WE'RE OPEN! Dante is flustered at having to open the store at 6 AM when he'd just closed it the night before. He's also upset that he hasn't gotten enough sleep before having to play a street hockey game that afternoon.Dante's day is spent in the purgatory of serving a succession of clueless and oblivious customers while bemoaning the fact that "I'm not even supposed to be here today!" His earliest customer is a man who tries to convince cigarette-buying customers that they should buy chewing gum, Chewlies brand, instead of smoking. To emphasize his point, the man shows a customer what he claims is a diseased lung that he carries in a bag. Before long, a crowd has gathered at the checkout and turns hostile at the first customer's taunts and rantings, blaming Dante for the ills of smoking because he sells cigarettes. When they start pelting him with cigarettes, Dante's girlfriend, Veronica, appears and sprays them all with a fire extinguisher, bringing them under control. She confronts the man who recommended the chewing gum, finding out he's a representative of the Chewlies brand trying to drum up sales. She orders him out along with the mob, chiding them for having nothing better to do with their lives.Dante and Veronica talk for a bit behind the counter about their past relationships. After a few minutes, Veronica gets up to leave and sees an old flame of hers, a guy nicknamed "Snowball". She admits to Dante that she'd performed oral sex on him and the conversation quickly escalates into an argument. She tells him that she performed fellatio on 36 other guys before she dated Dante. Dante jealously considers her past acts to be more severe than his own, which include having had sex with 11 other women before Veronica. Veronica storms out, furious with Dante's insensitivity.Interspersed with the demands of his job, Dante passes time in wide-ranging conversations with his slacker friend, Randal Graves (Jeff Anderson). Randal ostensibly works at the RST Video Store right next door, although he spends almost the entire day at the Quick Stop and is not averse to treating customers with contempt. The two converse about many things to pass time, such as whether the independent contractors working on the second Death Star when it was destroyed at the end of Return of the Jedi might have been innocent victims of the Rebels' efforts to defeat the Empire. Another customer offers support for Randall's theory when he tells the duo that he passed up a contracting job on a mobster's house and the contractor that took the job was killed when the house was bombed.Veronica stops in again, bringing Dante lasagna for lunch. The two reconcile about their respective sexual pasts -- in an earlier conversation with Randal, Dante realizes that his sexual history is no better than Veronica's. She and Dante also talk about Dante's current disposition -- he's in a rut with no motivation to change -- Dante had attended college for a short period and dropped out. Veronica had transferred to a nearby university to be closer to Dante. Further contributing to Dante's misery is an announcement shown him by Randal in the local newspaper that his famously unfaithful ex-girlfriend, Caitlin, is engaged to be married. For the previous several weeks Dante had been secretly talking to Caitlin on the phone, rekindling their relationship. Dante also talks to Randal about how Caitlin had frequently been unfaithful to Dante, once even mistaking him for another man at a party they'd both gone to separately. Randal suggests that Dante stay with Veronica since she really loves him and that Caitlin isn't worth going back to because of her infidelity.Learning that he's stuck working the store all day because his relief skipped out to go to Vermont on vacation and the owner of the store and building is nowhere to be found, Dante convinces his friends to play hockey on the store roof. The game is short; 12 minutes into the 1st period, an irate customer climbs the ladder to the roof, demanding that Dante open the store. When the guy criticizes Dante's playing, Dante angrily invites him to play in their game. The guy wastes no time knocking Dante over in the face off and shoots their only ball off the roof and into a storm drain.Reopening the store, Dante finds out one another of his ex-girlfriends has died and her memorial service is today. Randal talks him into closing the store again and going to the wake. The visit is disastrous, and the two are seen leaving the funeral home in a hurry and driving away, although the audience doesn't see what transpires during the memorial service. However, a conversation moments later between the two reveals that Randal knocked over the casket. Randal seems indifferent to the chaos he caused, callously saying that the dead friend didn't feel a thing.While talking to a couple of former high-school classmates, Dante finds out that the man he's talking to, Rick Derris, was one of Caitlin's flings while she was still dating Dante. Another man enters the store and asks Dante if he's been working there all day. After a few moments, he hands Dante a court summons; Dante had allegedly sold cigarettes to an underage girl, whose mother had called the authorities. However, Dante had not been at the counter at the time, Randal had and had sold the girl the cigarettes. Dante now faces incontestable charges and a $500 fine. While he chases after the official and Derris in protest, Caitlin (Lisa Spoonhauer) suddenly appears, a surprise visit.Dante takes her to the video store for a private conversation. After she assures Dante that the engagement announcement was a premature and arranged by her overbearing and domineering mother, the two trade banter and Dante becomes torn between her and Veronica. He finally decides to take Caitlin on a date and slips home to change. He returns to discover that Caitlin has had sex with a dead man in the bathroom, having mistaken the man for Dante (the man had earlier entered the bathroom with a pornographic magazine and had suffered a fatal heart attack while masturbating). An ambulance takes Caitlin away in shock, along with the corpse.Meanwhile, Jay and Silent Bob (Jason Mewes and Kevin Smith), a pair of stoners who've spent all day hanging out (and dealing marijuana) outside the Quick Stop, enter the store to shoplift. Dante turns down Jay's offer to party with them. Knowing Dante's predicament, Silent Bob pauses before following Jay outside and offers the following wisdom: "You know, there's a million fine-looking women in the world, dude. But they don't all bring you lasagna at work. Most of 'em just cheat on you."Dante then realizes that he loves Veronica. When she returns to the Quick Stop, though, Randal complicates things by revealing that Dante was in love with Caitlin and is planning to date his ex again. Veronica angrily breaks up with Dante and reveals to him that Randal told her of his plans to be with Caitlin. Dante finally loses his temper and fights with Randal, making a mess of the store. Afterward, while they sit in the mess they created, Dante continues to bemoan his station in life and being stuck in a dead end job, having a girlfriend who had sex with a dead man, and that Veronica had an active sex life before she and Dante began dating. Finally losing his own temper, Randall yells back at Dante and counters everything by telling Dante that he's sick of hearing him whine about how rotten his life is and that Dante needs to think about making serious changes in his life if he wants it to improve.The film ends with the two reconciling and cleaning up the store for the night. At Dante's request, Randal "rangles" out, popping back in briefly to toss Dante's sign at him stating, "You're closed!"
    

Clerks


            
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A Band Called Death


            A decade after the events of Clerks, thirty two-year-old Dante Hicks (Brian OHalloran) is still a disgruntled employee at the Quick Stop convenience store. He arrives for another day of work, only to discover, when he opens the security shutters, that the store is on fire. Randal Graves (Jeff Anderson), Dante's long-time best friend and Quick Stop colleague, had left the coffee pot on the night before. As a result of the Quick Stop's destruction, the two men begin working at a Mooby's fast food restaurant.After working at Mooby's for nearly a year, Dante is planning to move from New Jersey to Florida with his blonde, bony and wealthy fiancée, Emma (Jennifer Schwalbach Smith). Jay and Silent Bob (Jason Mewes and Kevin Smith) have followed Dante and Randal throughout their adventures, and now loiter outside of Mooby's. Though they no longer use drugs (after being arrested, sent to rehab, and supposedly becoming born-again Christians), they continue to sell them and perform their typical antics in the parking lot.It is Dante's last day before moving, which inspires Randal to give him a "memorable sendoff" and secretly book a donkey show to perform in the restaurant after closing time. Randal takes great satisfaction in manipulating and shocking his 19-year-old co-worker, Elias (Trevor Fehrman), a hopelessly geeky conservative Christian and obsessive fan of Transformers and the Lord of the Rings trilogy. Randal holds nothing but contempt for both franchises ("There's only one Return, and it ain't of the King; it's of the Jedi"), and taunts a customer who shares Elias' manic admiration of the LOTR series until said customer vomits in disgust.Dante, meanwhile, has become good friends with their manager, Becky Scott (Rosario Dawson), and the two had a drunken one-night stand several weeks before. Becky is aware that Dante is engaged and moving away and is visibly rattled by it, though she treats the subject casually in conversation. While working the counter, Dante and Randal are forced to wait on a former high school rival, Lance Dowds (Jason Lee), now a millionaire from launching a successful website. While Randal recounts Lance's humiliating initiation experience in freshman year which resulted in Lance being nicknamed "Pickle-fucker," he is still angered by Lance's condescending remarks towards him and Dante. After Lance leaves, Randal convinces Dante to blow off work with him and go ride the go-karts at a local fun center (which Randal claims clears his head). Upon their return, they find the restaurant understaffed and full of customers. While preparing food, Randal launches into a rant and angers two African-American customers (Wanda Sykes and Earthquake) when he incorporates the slur "porch monkey" into his speech. Randal initially refuses to believe it is a racial slur, as he did not know its real definition, and because his grandmother had used it as a "term of endearment" for him during his childhood (he initially did not consider his grandmother to be a racist, though he remembers her referring to a broken beer bottle as a "nigger knife"). Randal vows to reclaim the phrase and give it a more positive meaning.While Randal manages to hire "Kinky Kelly and the Sexy Stud" to perform the donkey show for Dante that night, Dante becomes torn between his mainstream fiancée, Emma, whom he cares for but has little in common with, and his increasing feelings for Becky. When asked by Becky if he has any fear of marriage, he admits he is scared of his wedding reception because he cannot dance. Becky enthusiastically takes him to the roof and gives him a dance lesson (as The Jackson 5's "ABC" blasts from Jay and Silent Bob's boom box, causing everyone in the restaurant and parking lot to dance as well). Overwhelmed, Dante confesses his love to Becky and is stunned when she reveals that she is pregnant as a result of their one-night stand.A shocked Dante reveals to Randal that Becky is pregnant with his child, and that she does not want an abortion. Randal is taken aback, but swears not to tell anyone, as Becky had already sworn Dante to secrecy. However, Randal ruins this moments later by congratulating Becky on her pregnancy ('May your first child be a masculine child!"). Becky is furious at Dante for blabbing the secret and lividly drives off. Dante erupts in rage and attempts to punch Randal, who panics inwardly when he sees the Kinky Kelly van enter the parking lot. Randal frantically escorts Dante to his car, telling him to follow Becky and talk to her for an hour. Once Dante leaves, Randal speaks with the gruff-looking driver of the Kinky Kelly van (Zak Knutson), and gives him an hour to set up the show equipment in the restaurant. Meanwhile, Becky and Dante drive around separately, thinking over their situation. Becky pauses in front of a women's care clinic, while Dante is waved at by a little girl (Harley Quinn Smith) through a restaurant window, leading him to contemplate fatherhood.Dante arrives back at Mooby's, which is emitting smoke from its windows. Dante panics and calls the fire department, only to realize the smoke is from a smoke machine being used for the donkey show. Though shocked by Randal's choice of a farewell gift, Dante is drawn into the show's audience (Randal, Jay, Silent Bob, and a very drunk/stoned Elias). As the show begins, their hopes of seeing an attractive woman slowly disappear. Kinky Kelly, who was assumed to be the female exotic dancer, is actually the name of the donkey, while the Sexy Stud is in fact the burly, tattooed man who had driven the trailer. As the Stud prepares to perform an array of explicit acts on Kelly, Becky returns to the restaurant. Dante again confesses his love for her, and she eventually admits that she cares for him too. Dante's fiancée, Emma, comes to Mooby's to surprise Dante, only to see him kissing Becky. She angrily throws her engagement ring at Becky and leaves in tears.The fire department arrives, responding to Dante's earlier call. With the donkey show in full swing, most of the attendants drunk, and Randal having spelled out "PORCH MONKEY 4 LIFE" on the back of his shirt with masking tape, everyone but Becky is arrested. In their jail cell, Dante gets into a heated argument with Randal, blaming him for ruining his life. Randal becomes indignant and reveals how upset he was about having his best friend move away. They finally admit how much they care about their friendship, and Randal suggests they get back their good old days at the Quick Stop by re-opening it themselves. Jay and Silent Bob agree to lend them money for the endeavor, on the condition that they can hang out in front of the store whenever they want. They are released from jail shortly after, since (as the Sexy Stud had assured them) you cannot be imprisoned for watching an inter-species sex act.Dante finally decides to start a family life with Becky and proposes to her at the Mooby's drive-thru window. She, Dante, and Randal work on fixing up the charred Quick Stop, and hire Elias to work Randal's old job at the adjacent RC Video store. The film ends with a content Dante and Randal working the counter at the rehabilitated Quick Stop convenience, happy to be in control of their lives at last.
    

Clerks II


            Holden McNeil (Ben Affleck) and Banky Edwards (Jason Lee) are comic book artists and lifelong friends. Holden is the calmer, more reasonable of the duo; Banky, meanwhile, is the caustic and short-tempered half. The story opens at a comic book convention in New York City where the two are promoting their latest comic series 'Bluntman and Chronic'. After Holden breaks up a fight between Banky and an antagonistic fan, they attend a panel discussion where they meet Alyssa Jones (Joey Lauren Adams). She is a struggling comic book writer whom is friends with the African-American comic book writer and activist Hooper (Dwight Ewell) who puts on this militant image to hide his flamboyantly gay personality.That evening, the four go out for drinks together at a local bar where Holden is attracted to Alyssa based on their conversation during a dart game. Through Hooper she invites Holden to a get together at a bar she frequents. Banks comes along and while there Alyssa is asked to sing a song. During the song Banky notices that they are in a female gay bar and that Alyssa is singing the love song to a woman in the audience and not to Holden who thinks the song is for him. The four of them end up at a booth and Alyssa and Banky have an involved conversation about sex with women while Holden broods, visibly upset about Alyssa being a lesbian. However, they have discovered they are both from the same area of New Jersey and the two begin hanging out, and a deep friendship develops. During their discussions it is clear that Holden has a very narrow heterosexual view on male female relationships and sex in general. The new friendship does not sit well with the homophobic Banky, who dislikes and distrusts Alyssa and is bothered by the relationship that develops between her and Holden. Holden and Banky's business relationship suffers as well -- the two had been on the verge of signing a lucrative deal to turn Bluntman and Chronic into television show and Banky feels that Holden is no longer taking their combined efforts or the TV show seriously.Eventually, Holden is no longer able to contain his feelings, and confesses his love to Alyssa. She is initially angry with him and walks away. Holden follows her and they have a heated discussion about their relationship and she walks away again. Holden is confused and while returning to his vehicle Alyssa runs up, they embrace and that night the two begin a romantic relationship. Banky walks in the next morning and finds them together sleeping on his couch in the studio. This new development worsens the tension between Holden and Banky who distrusts Alyssa and that his friend is going to be hurt when the relationship fails. Banky runs across an old friend who grew up with Alyssa who tells him a sexual adventure story from Alyssa's past. Banky reports to Holden that Alyssa participated in a threesome with two guys during high school, which earned her the nickname "Finger Cuffs" for getting it from both ends. Holden is deeply disturbed by this revelation, having believed based on their conversations about love and sex that he is the first man Alyssa had ever slept with.Holden asks advice from Hooper who tells him that if he wants his relationship with Alyssa to work, he must be honest and truthful and ask Alyssa about her past. Hooper also tells Holden he believes the issue with Banky is that Banky is jealous and in love with him and that his macho sexual banter is a disguise for his true feelings.The following evening, Holden confronts Alyssa while attending a hockey game and he clumsily attempts baiting her into confessing, which she eventually does, prompting her to storm out of the arena. During a tearful argument in the parking lot, she tells Holden about her youthful sexual experimentation involving men. She apologizes for letting him believe that he was the only man she had been with but justifies it by saying she could see that he took pleasure in the thought. However, she refuses to apologize for her past and Holden leaves feeling angry and confused.Later, during lunch at a local diner with the local stoners and drug dealers Jay and Silent Bob (Jason Mewes and Kevin Smith), who were the inspiration for the Bluntman and Chronic comic book characters, Holden gives them their monthly residual pay for sales of the comic book. Here he confides in them about his troubled feelings and relationship with Alyssa. Speaking more than one line for the first time, Silent Bob mentions chasing Amy and reveals that he was once in a relationship "a couple of years ago" which was similar to Holden's. Despite the fact that he was in love with his girlfriend, Amy, his insecurities about her adventurous sexual past caused him to sabotage the relationship and leave her. Angry at himself for letting her go, he has "spent every day since then chasing Amy".Inspired by Silent Bob's story, Holden devises a plan to fix both his relationship with Alyssa and his fractured friendship with Banky. He invites them both over and tells Alyssa that he would like to get over her past and remain her boyfriend. He also tells Banky that he realizes that Banky is in love with him... kissing him passionately to prove the point. Holden suggests that the three of them should have sex with each other in a threesome so he will no longer be envious of Alyssa's broader experiences and it will resolve Banky's issues with them as a couple. Banky reluctantly agrees to participate. Alyssa is appalled and refuses, at which Banky expresses his relief. Alyssa tries to explain to Holden why his plan is so wrong. Before leaving, she states that she will always love him but her past is in the past and she will not be his whore and slaps him across his face. Banky then leaves without saying a word.One year later, the story has Banky busy promoting his own new comic book at a convention in New York. It is revealed that Holden has dissolved their partnership over Bluntman and Chronic, leaving the viewer with the assumption that he sold the publishing and creative rights over to Banky (which is corroborated in the beginning of 'Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back'). Banky looks over and sees Holden at a distance, who silently congratulates him for his success on the new book. Banky gestures over to a booth hosted by Alyssa who is promoting her own comic, and provides wordless encouragement with a hand gesture implying a coming together to Holden to go talk to her. Holden has a brief poignant conversation with Alyssa, and gives her a copy of 'Chasing Amy', his new comic based on their failed relationship. Holden asks her to contact him. After Holden leaves, Alyssa's girlfriend (Virginia Smith) comes back to the booth and asks who that was. Alyssa feigns indifference,casually tosses his comic on the floor behind her and replies, "Oh, just some guy I knew." She then turns to sign the next fan's material.
    

Chasing Amy


            The story takes place in suburban New Jersey. TS Quint arrives at his girlfriend Brandi Svenning's, house to pick her up for a road trip to Florida. She meets him in the driveway and tells him she won't be able to go; she's been asked by her father to fill in for a woman who was supposed to appear on her father's TV show (an poor imitation of The Dating Game). Quint's offhand remark to the original contestant the night before resulted in her obsessively swimming laps at the local YWCA pool until she died from a brain embolism.Quint believes that Brandi is simply bending to the will of her overbearing father, who dislikes Quint to begin with. Quint had also been planning to propose to Brandi at Universal Studios in the Jaws spectacular. The couple have a serious argument that ends with Quint leaving.Meanwhile, in the basement of his own home, Quint's best friend, Brodie, is woken by his girlfriend, Rene. Brodie is largely indifferent to her presence & the two have a heated conversation where she finally dumps him for many reasons, mostly his lazy & shiftless attitude & his ignorance about how much she cares about him. Brodie has never introduced Rene to his mother and she resents having to climb in his basement window to spend the night with him. She throws him a break-up letter and climbs out the window over his protests.Quint goes to Brodie's house after leaving Brandi & the two try to figure out what to do with the rest of the day. Brodie tells Quint about his being dumped and the two discuss their relative situations. They finally decide to go to the local mall & hang out.They arrive at the mall & find out that a stage setup is being constructed. It turns out that Brandi's father is going to be staging his dating show in the mall for the public to see the taping and because a couple of television executives will be present, hoping he can impress them enough to further his career. Brodie suggests that he & Quint find a way to sabotage the show out of revenge. They find the mall's resident troublemakers, Jay and Silent Bob, in front of the pet store and enlist their help to wreck the stage setup and the show. However, the two already know they must find a way to either distract or take down the mall's top security guard, a hulking man named La Fours.Jay and Silent Bob's plans are all blundered, slapstick attempts that end in failure. They are constantly pursued by La Fours and the other mall cops and manage to escape much of the time. Though they draw up intricate blueprinted plans for their missions, they are thwarted every time.Meanwhile, Brodie and Quint try to reconcile with their respective former girlfriends. Brodie notices that Rene is being schmoozed by the general manager of a mall men's store, Shannon, whose ultimate plan is simply to get Rene into bed. Brodie manages to get Rene alone in the elevator and following a heated argument, they have sex. Rene is still not impressed enough to take Brodie back. When Shannon hears about the tryst, he takes Brodie into a back corridor of the mall and beats him up, saying that Rene's not interested and admits that he's only using her for sex.Quint is also unsuccessful at reconciling with Brandi, who shows up at the mall to dress for the dating show. Quint has a few conversations with Mr Svenning to try and convince him that he's a decent enough person to be dating Brodie, but Svenning is totally unconvinced. When Brodie joins the conversation, he plays a nasty trick on Svenning: he "stinkpalms" him, shaking his hand and handing him chocolate-covered pretzels after he'd inserted a few of his fingers in his own rectum. Svenning, however, had simply been stalling the duo and has them both arrested (they are rescued moments later by Jay and Silent Bob, who knock out their mall cop captors).Brodie suggests that to avoid further pursuit, that they go to a nearby flea market. While there, they seek the advice of a psychic, Ivannah, whose gimmick is to read people's fortunes topless. (She also has 2 nipples on her right breast, adding to her panache.) She gives Quint some advice; that he shouldn't give up trying to reconcile with Brandi, despite what her father thinks. The two return to the mall and reconnect with Jay and Silent Bob to enact a more elaborate plan of revenge.One of the mall's denizens is a 15-year-old student named Tricia. Tricia is conducting a study of the male sex drive and her research involves having sex with men aged 18 - 60. She has also videotaped them all with their consent. One of the people she'd slept with is Shannon. Brodie asks to borrow the tape she'd done with Shannon.Behind the scenes of the dating show, Jay has been sent to subdue two of the male contestants with marijuana. Brodie and Quint take their places on the show. A third contestant was missed by Jay. They also knock out Svenning's personal assistant. Svenning himself is sidelined by a case of diphtheria, which he'd caught from Brodie's stinkpalm prank, and spends most of the show vomiting.On the program, Quint, Brodie & the third contestant, Gill Hicks, will compete for a date with Brandi. Brandi asks them several pointed questions about their dating style and soon figures out that Quint and Brodie are behind the wall that hides them from her. Quint is able to win Brandi back with clever answers and the two reconcile on stage. Brodie takes the microphone from the host & points out Rene in the audience, telling her that Shannon is a lecherous bastard. While he's seized by the security guards, Silent Bob, who'd wired a VCR unit into the stage's monitor, plays Tricia's tape of Shannon having sex with her. Brodie announces that Tricia is an underaged girl and Shannon is arrested. Svenning is also arrested for the video being shown on local television, and for the scatological remarks the Brodie made as a contestant. Rene admits she loves Brodie and gets back together with him. He invites her to dinner at his house so she can meet his mother.The TV execs tell Svenning that they're not impressed with his show, calling it derivative and dull. They offer Brodie the chance to host his own talk show, which he enthusiastically accepts. The final montage shows Brodie on his own show; Brandi and Quint get married at the Jaws spectacular in Florida; Tricia's book is a bestseller for over a year; Svenning and his assistant are shown doing television in prison; Jay and Silent Bob set out West with an orangutan (a lead-in for their adventures in Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back).
    

Mallrats


            The film opens in the early 1970s in front of the Quick Stop Groceries and the Record Rack stores in Leonardo, NJ. A kindly mother leaves a stroller with her toddler son, Bob, in front of the store while she goes inside to buy food. She gives the boy a baseball cap that she puts on his head with the visor turned backwards. Another mother, more foulmouthed and demeaning toward her own toddler, Jay, leaves her stroller in front of the store while she goes into the record store to score drugs. A man walks out & asks her who'll be watching the kids while their mothers are inside. The woman lets loose with a torrent of foul language, laced liberally with the F-word, attacking the man for questioning how she raises her kid. The guy walks away, disgusted The child of the foul-mouthed mother stands up in his stroller and begins to recite the F-word in rhythmic fashion and the scene dissolves to the two boys as young adults; they have grown up to become the foul-mouthed Jay and his taciturn companion, Silent Bob. The duo stand in front of the stores (the Quick Stop is still there but the record store has changed to RST Video) most days and deal drugs. When a couple of teenagers approach them, Jay launches into a rap sales pitch reminiscent of Morris Day & the Time's "Jungle Love". When the younger teen derides the song, Jay grabs him and threatens him. From the video store, Randal Graves appears and tells Jay and Bob to let the kid go and that the Time sucked anyway. Jay tells the two buyers that Randal and his coworker, Dante Hicks, are both a gay couple and that their wedding ceremony was Star Wars-themed. Randal says he'll do something that should've been done long ago: he calls the police. Jay and Bob are arrested after Jay mouths off to the cop.Jay and Bob go to the comic book store that bears their name to talk to Banky. They've been slapped with a restraining order that forbids them to go to either Quick Stop or RST. Banky tells them both that they shouldn't have to bother selling drugs anymore because of the royalties they received when the comic series they inspired, Bluntman and Chronic, was sold to a major motion picture studio. The two are stunned, saying they didn't know about the deal. Banky tells them both that they should talk to his old business partner, Holden McNeil, who brokered the deal after he'd bought Banky out of his share of the original comic.The two go to Holden's offices and confront him about the movie. Holden tells them that Banky had lied to them and had brokered the deal, leaving Holden with nothing. He also says that the buzz on the internet is that the movie will be very profitable. Jay and Bob are both clueless as to the existence of the internet and Holden shows them an example of a forum website where fans and non-fans of Bluntman and Chronic are sharing their views on the unfinished film. Jay and Bob are furious at the negative buzz and make it their mission to go to Hollywood and stop the production of the film.Without a car, the two decide to hitchhike. After receiving advice from an expert hitchhiker where he tells them to perform sexual favors for rides, the two are picked up by a nun. She throws them both out of her car when Jay suggests that the Rules of the Road require him to pay her with oral sex. Stranded in front of a Mooby's restaurant, they go inside to get something to eat. They find an internet station and launch a foul-mouthed response to their detractors on Moviepoopshoot.com. While they order their food, a beautiful woman, Justice, walks in. Jay is immediately smitten and imagines kissing her to Bon Jovi's "Bad Medicine." After they introduce themselves, they hitch a ride with Justice and her two companions, Chrissy and Sissy. Also joining them is a geeky guy with a guitar, named Brent. Justice tells them that she and her comrades are animal rights activists who travel around the USA freeing animals from medical testing laboratories. After a few minutes, Jay and Bob quickly dispose of Brent when they trick him into falsely admitting he hates animals.The team arrives at a research facility somewhere in the West. After taping Jay and Bob saying that they are the masterminds behind the liberation of the animals in the facility, Jay and Bob break into the place and start searching. Justice, Sissy and Chrissy also steal into the facility from another entrance and reveal their own plan: they will steal a fortune in diamonds while Jay and Bob are arrested as patsies. The girls are able to slip past most of the security devices, but Chrissy farts and sets off the alarm. They flee in a sports convertible, leaving Jay and Bob behind.Meanwhile, Jay and Bob have found an orangutan named Suzanne and bring her outside, only to find the local authorities waiting for them. A slew of animals also escapes. Jay and Bob escape in the confusion. One of the cops happens to be a Federal Wildlife Marshal named Willenholly. He takes up pursuit of Jay and Bob, believing that they've kidnapped the monkey.Jay and Bob make their way toward Hollywood with the inept Willenholly following them. In California, Justice and her friends have cashed in the loot they stole and are living well near the beach. Justice feels tremendous guilt about deceiving Jay and Bob and decides to find them.Jay and Bob make it to a large dam and are found by Willenholly. They evade him, Willenholly falling off the dam into the river below. Meanwhile, Suzanne is picked up by a car bearing a sign "Critters of Hollywood". Jay, frustrated, asks Bob what they can do now. Bob tries to mime a plan to chase the car that picked up Suzanne but Jay doesn't understand him. Bob finally lets loose a screaming tirade saying he'd seen the sign on the car. The two leave for Los Angeles.In LA, Jay and Boy find a couple of drug dealers who belong to the same union they do. The guys take them to the studio where Bluntman and Chronic is being filmed. They find the actors who are cast in their roles, knock them out and take their costumes. On the set, they fill in for the actors and begin shooting a scene with the film's villain, Cock Knocker, who bears a huge fist. The shoot is completely disrupted and Jay and Bob find Banky among the entourage. They confront him about selling the rights to their characters without their permission. Though Banky tries to weasel his way out of any responsibility, Bob gives a lengthy reply in proper legalese explaining that they are the obvious inspiration for the main characters and deserve a full share of the movie's profits. Banky agrees.Also on the set is Justice, who has come to find Jay. Chrissy and Sissy have also caught up with her seeking revenge. The girls battle it out with Justice the victor. However, Justice is still arrested for the theft she participated in. Jay promises to wait for her.The movie opens & is a success. Banky asks Jay and Bob what they'll do with their share of the royalties. The two realize they can travel across the country and find their detractors from the web and beat them up.
    

Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back

Zack and Miri Make a Porno


            In the town of Whoville, the Whos are eagerly anticipating Christmas. However, just north of Whoville on top of Mount Crumpit, there lives The Grinch (voice of Benedict Cumberbatch), who hates Christmas and the thought of seeing the Whos so joyful. He lives alone with his faithful dog Max. The Grinch gets ready for breakfast, only to discover that he has completely run out of food due to excessive emotional eating. This forces him to make a trip down to Whoville for some groceries. As the narrator (voice of Pharrell Williams) notes, it's not quite known just why The Grinch is the way he is. It could be that his head wasn't screwed on just right, or that his shoes are too tight, but perhaps the biggest reason of all was that his heart was two sizes too small.The Grinch takes Max into town where he acts mean toward the Whos, and then he runs away from a group of carolers. As he gets his food, elsewhere in town, we meet Donna Lou Who (voice of Rashida Jones), an overworked single mother to Cindy Lou (voice of Cameron Seely) and twin boys Buster and Bean. Cindy Lou heads out with a letter to Santa Claus for a big wish she has, but she ends up running into The Grinch. He is mean to her as well, implying that she is, like the rest of the Whos, greedy and demanding for stuff from Santa. After he leaves, she manages to retrieve her letter.On his way back to his cave, The Grinch runs into Bricklebaum (voice of Kenan Thompson), the jolliest Who in Whoville, and a major thorn in The Grinch's side. Bricklebaum puts up his Christmas decorations, which The Grinch calls an eyesore. Bricklebaum explains that the Mayor (Angela Lansbury) wants Christmas in Whoville to be three times bigger this year, which only makes The Grinch feel worse. He returns to his cave and sits alone, feeling that it is better for him this way. Meanwhile, Cindy Lou plans to deliver her letter to Santa personally by walking to the North Pole until Donna tells her that it would take her a month to do so.Later, a gigantic tree is flown into Whoville to be lit that night. Annoyed, The Grinch sets up a catapult to launch a massive snowball to knock the tree down. That night, the Whos gather in the town square as the Mayor is set to light up the three. Cindy Lou gets her friend Groopert (Tristan O'Hare) and tells him that her wish to Santa is that he send help to her mother because Cindy Lou can see just how tired Donna is from all the hours she works and caring for Cindy Lou and her brothers. As the Whos get ready for the lighting, The Grinch prepares his catapult for launch, only for it to roll down the hill and drop the snowball, then launch him toward Whoville. The Grinch inadvertently lights the tree and falls in the middle of the crowd. This triggers a painful memory in him where, as a child, he was always alone, especially around Christmastime, and that's why he hates the holiday so much. He retreats back to Mount Crumpit and hatches a plan with Max to steal Christmas from the Whos.The Grinch's plan involves becoming Santa Claus and following his methods to a T so that he can get in and out of Whoville with ease. He takes Max to find reindeer to pull a sleigh, but when they reach a whole field of reindeer, they are scared away by a screaming goat. The only one left is a fat reindeer that The Grinch later names Fred. After Fred joins The Grinch and Max, The Grinch heads into Whoville to steal a sleigh from the roof of Bricklebaum's house, but not without dealing with his crazy guard dog first. He also uses a flying device to send Max into town to get a sense of how many houses he will hit, only for Max to get distracted by sausages and get sent flying back right into The Grinch.Cindy Lou gathers Groopert, plus her other friends Axl (Ramone Hamilton), Izzy (Scarlett Estevez), and Ozzy (Sam Lavagnino), to discuss her plan to give her wish to Santa, and that is by staging a trap for him. She manages to convince her friends to help set up the trap and test it out with Groopert, but it just tears his Santa suit off and leaves him nude.The Grinch teaches Fred how to pull the sleigh, but just as they are walking out in the field, they spot two other reindeer who turn out to be Fred's mate and child. The Grinch knows what's going on, and, without a fuss, he lets Fred go, lamenting that it's just him and Max again.It is the night of Christmas Eve, and The Grinch tasks Max with pulling the sleigh. They wait until all the Whos are asleep before heading down to make their move. The Grinch hits all the houses using his gadgets, stealing trees, presents, decorations, lights, and food. The very last house he hits is none other than Cindy Lou's house. He sees a cookie and decides to take it, which triggers her trap that she set. Cindy Lou hears the trap going off and she rushes downstairs to meet the man she thinks is Santa. The Grinch manages to fool her and convince her that he is taking her tree to fix a light on it. Cindy Lou then asks him to grant her wish to help her mom, which touches The Grinch since he sees that Cindy Lou isn't selfish like the way he perceives the Whos. The Grinch leaves Whoville with Cindy Lou's words still ringing in his head.As the sun rises on Christmas morning, The Grinch reaches the top of Mount Crumpit to watch as the Whos wake up and see that all of their Christmas things have been stolen. Cindy Lou tells Donna she feels this is her fault because she trapped Santa, but Donna assures her that's not true. Soon, the Whos all join hands and sing "Welcome Christmas", which perplexes The Grinch until he closes his eyes and takes in the joy that the Whos have despite all their stuff being gone. It makes The Grinch realize that they find happiness in each other and not their material items. It even makes The Grinch's heart grow bigger. Suddenly, the sleigh starts to slide off the edge of the mountain. The Grinch grabs onto it and tries to hang on using a grappling hook, but that only causes the cliff side to crack. Before The Grinch plummets to certain doom, he is saved by Fred and his family, who are helped by Max to pull The Grinch back up. He then rides the sleigh down the hill to return everything to the Whos. He reveals himself as the one who stole Christmas from them, and he apologizes for what he did before walking back home.Later that day, Cindy Lou visits The Grinch and invites him to go to her house for dinner. Although a bit hesitant, The Grinch brings Max to town where they join Cindy Lou's family and other guests from town, including Bricklebaum. Everyone gathers for dinner, and Donna offers The Grinch the chance to carve the rare Who roast beast. The Grinch gives a small speech in which he admits that he never hated Christmas, but rather the feeling of being alone on the holiday. And so, The Grinch delivers a toast, to kindness and love, the things we need most.
    

The Grinch

Smodimations 2-D


            New York City, 1995. Oliver "Ollie" Trinké (Ben Affleck) is a powerful media publicist who meets and quickly marries an attractive young Latina woman named Gertrude Steiney (Jennifer Lopez) and they are both very happy together. After about six or seven months, Gertrude discovers that she is pregnant, but Ollie, obsessed with his publicity work, neglects her in favor of his job and doesn't lighten his workload. On her due date, Gertrude does go into labor and Ollie forces himself to leave his office to be at the the hospital with her, but tragedy strikes when Gertrude dies from internal bleeding during childbirth.To avoid his grief, Ollie buries himself in his work and spends long hours (day and night) at the office denying he is feeling any grief and ignores his newborn daughter, Gertie, while his widowed father, Bart (George Carlin), takes a month off from work at the Jersey City Sanitation Crew to care for her, but returns so that his son is forced to live up to his responsibility as a parent. Ollie is forced to take his baby daughter to work with him just when he must address a group of reporters. Under the stress of a botched diaper change and a baby who will not stop crying, Ollie trashes his latest client Will Smith, (who is late showing up for his soon-to-be released film Independence Day) in front of a large group of assembled reporters. The outburst costs him his job, so he moves out of New York and in with his father in New Jersey. He eventually apologizes for ignoring his daughter, and attributes his public outburst to his grief.Seven years later in 2003, Ollie is still living in New Jersey with his father, Bart, and seven-year-old Gertie (Raquel Castro). When he goes to apply for a job at a local publcity firm, he finds that he is still blacklisted by all of New York's public relations firms who refuse to hire him despite his impressive job resume. Ollie has been forced to work as a civil servant in the Jersey City borough where he now lives (working as a garbage collector) alongside his father. Gertie, now in elementary school, often coaxes him to rent movies to watch as spending quality time together. At the video store, they meet Maya (Liv Tyler), one of the store's clerks, whose uninhibited probing into Ollie's love life almost leads to them having casual sex. She soon becomes a part of their lives.As part of his job in the borough, Ollie speaks to a group of outraged citizens to win over their approval for a major public works project that will temporarily close a street in the neighborhood. His successful and enjoyable interaction with the crowd leads him to realize how much he misses the public relations work. He contacts Arthur (Jason Biggs), his one-time protégé, who sets up a promising interview at a promising firm who agree to meet with him.The prospect of moving to New York creates tension among Ollie, Gertie, Bart, and Maya, especially when he says that his interview is on the same day as Gertie's school talent show. She yells at him, saying she hates him and that she wishes he had died instead of her mom. He claims he hates her right back, and says she and Gertrude took his life away and he just wants it back. He immediately regrets it and tries to apologize, but the damage is done and she pushes him away and runs to her room, crying.A few days later he and Gertie apologize, and she accepts the fact that they will be moving to New York. While waiting to be interviewed at the office, he has a chance encounter with Will Smith (playing himself), the man he trashed at his public outburst years before. Smith has no idea who Ollie is, but their conversation about work and children makes him decide to sacrifice the former for the latter.Ollie walks out of the office before he is interviewed and so is able to make it to Gertie's Sweeney Todd performance at the last moment. The film ends with him, Gertie, Bart, Maya, and the rest celebrating at the bar. He and Maya hint at possible feelings for each other before being interrupted by Gertie. He holds her and says that they are staying in New Jersey with Bart because he did not take the job in New York. She asks why he did so if he loved it so much. He says that he thought he did, but he loved his new life more because being a father to her was the only thing that he was ever really good at.
    

Jersey Girl


            Reggie the Turkey (Owen Wilson) has always been afraid of Thanksgiving because turkeys have always been on the menu. However, his attempts to warn his farm-based flock constantly fall on deaf ears and has made him an outcast. When the other turkeys finally realize what's going on, they throw Reggie to the wolves in an attempt to save themselves. In a surprise twist of fate, he winds up being named the "pardoned turkey" by the President of the United States (Jimmy Hayward) and is subsequently taken to Camp David. Although initially hesitant, Reggie soon eases into a routine of doing nothing but enjoying pizza delivered to him by the Pizza Dude (Scott Mosier) and watching telenovelas.About three days before Thanksgiving, Reggie gets bag-kidnapped by Jake (Woody Harrelson), the president and the only member of Turkeys Liberation Front.[7] Jake tells him that a "Great Turkey" told him to find Reggie and take him back to the first Thanksgiving with him to take turkeys off the menu once and for all. Despite interference by federal officials and several attempts by Reggie to trick him back to the surface, Jake manages to commandeer an egg-shaped time machine with an A.I. software named S.T.E.V.E. (George Takei) and takes Reggie with him back to the same day in 1621. Once there, they are immediately attacked and separated by colonial hunters led by Myles Standish (Colm Meaney). Reggie and Jake are quickly rescued by native turkeys led by Chief Broadbeak (Keith David) and his two children Ranger (Jimmy Hayward) and Jenny (Amy Poehler), the latter of whom Reggie is immediately smitten with. Broadbeak explains that the turkeys in the area have been forced underground since the settlers came and that they can't risk fighting back without the settlers taking them.The next day, Broadbeak has Jake go with Ranger to spy on the settlers with Reggie and Jenny spring all the hunting traps they've set up. Despite initial hostility, Ranger and Jake find out that the settlers have already begun preparations for Thanksgiving as well as where they keep their weapons. Meanwhile, Jenny, who believes Reggie is lying about being from the future, is impressed with his unorthodox way of springing the traps. However, they are soon intercepted by Standish and Reggie is forced to get her in orbit over the planet aboard S.T.E.V.E., validating everything he said in the process. Reggie tries to convince Jenny to go back to the future with him once everything blows over, but she tells him she can't bring herself to leave the flock no matter how much she likes him.Jake drags Reggie away from Jenny and tells him he has a plan to attack the settlers. However, Reggie has gotten sick of all his unproved stories and threatens to leave. Desperate, Jake tells him that this trip was more about him making up for him not being able to save three turkey eggs while escaping a turkey-fattening facility when he was younger, although still maintaining that the Great Turkey convinced him to go through with this. While still reluctant to believe what he said, Reggie still goes along with the plan. They manage to use gunpowder to destroy the weapons shack, but Jake inadvertently leaves a gunpowder trail back to the tree the turkeys are hiding under. Standish and his men flush the turkeys out from underground, capturing enough for the feast and killing Broadbeak in the ensuing panic. Jenny is sworn in as the new chief and orders the remaining turkeys to prepare an attack on the settlers.Despite Jake's attempts to get him to stay, a heartbroken Reggie heads back to the present. Once back at Camp David, Reggie is confronted by three future versions of himself. Through the awkward conversation, Reggie discovers from one of them that he was the Great Turkey, having used S.T.E.V.E. to throw his voice and appearance. Inspired, Reggie goes back in time to stop the attack, erasing Standish from history in the process. Through S.T.E.V.E. and the Pizza Dude (who was also brought back to the First Thanksgiving), Reggie convinces the settlers and the arriving Indians that pizza is a more acceptable food than turkeys, taking them off the Thanksgiving menu entirely.In the end, Reggie decides to stay with Jenny while Jake takes S.T.E.V.E. in order to look for new adventures. However, Jake returns moments after leaving and implies to Reggie and Jenny that their antics have caused the future to be thrown out of whack.
    

Free Birds


            Will Carlson (Brian O'Halloran) is a 20-something loser who lives in a rundown neighborhood in a bad section of New Jersey, where he ekes out a living as a birthday party clown in order to pay the rent for his mean-spirited and abusive mother's (Debbie Karr) nursing home and the rent on own room in a rundown boarding house where he lives. Despite the difficulties of the job, playing a party clown is Will's one escape from the realities of his miserable existence; Bums sleep on the lawn outside his house, kids throw rocks at his passing car, and all people that Will interacts with, from strangers on the street to waitresses at local cafes and restaurants, are downright rude and belligerent. Yet among this misanthropic world Will lives in, he genuinely likes kids, and takes great joy from making them happy on their birthdays since young children are apparenly the only ones who don't treat him like dirt and see his clownish antics as an escape from their own miserable lives with their parents. Will's only real friend is Syd Gilbert (writer-director Bryan Johnson), a former high school friend who makes a living as a laborer and has connections to the local gangs that run the neighborhoods.Struggling to make ends meet, but not wanting to give up his dream job, Will comes up with the idea to be a high-priced "bachelor party clown." Will's idea is that men throwing bachelor parties can hire him as well as a stripper; Will enters the room prior to the "real" entertainment, wearing clown makeup and lingerie, tricking the bachelor into thinking that there was a mix-up and a gay stripper has been sent in lieu of a female one. Will invents the persona of Vulgar the Clown (after his friend, Syd, tells him that the entire idea is "vulgar") and solicits himself in the want-ads. Before long, he is hired to appear at a bachelor party being held at a nearby motel.When Will arrives for the party (wearing stockings, garters, clown makeup, and a trench-coat), he is immediately attacked and brutally beaten up by a violent-tempered, foul-mouthed, middle-aged man, Ed (Jerry Lewkowitz), and his two murderous sons, the equally violent Gino (Matt Maher) and the hulking dim-witted Frankie (Ethan Suplee). The three men then proceed to gang rape Will, taking turns videotaping the attack. The trio hold Will hostage in the motel room for an indeterminate amount of time, during which they subject him to a series of violent and humiliating sexual assaults. Once it's over, the men let Will go, telling him that if he goes to the police, the authorities will question the attack, as Will believed he was attending a bachelor party while dressed in women's lingerie. A tearful Will goes home and spends the remainder of the night and part of the next morning crying while he washes himself clean in the bathtub.Will spends a considerable amount of time after the attack in a crippling depression, which nearly costs him his home as his landlord comes to call demanding the rent money. Will confides in Syd about what the three men did to him, and forces Syd to keep it a secret.Eventually, Will fulfills a promise to appear as a clown at one of his past-clients' children's party. When he gets to the party, Will discovers a hostage crisis is occurring; the violent and estranged father of one of the children, in the middle of divorce proceedings, has kidnapped his own daughter and is threatening to kill her. Still in a suicidal attitude, Will sneaks past the police barricade, breaks into the house, and subdues the father.News reporters capture some of the event on film, and before long the story makes national headlines. Will becomes known as "the hero clown;" the attention and outpouring of support breaks him out of his depression. One day, a local TV producer named Martan Ingram (Kevin Smith) approaches him and offers him a job of having his own TV show for his station. Will is eventually given his own syndicated children's television show with himself playing 'Pappy the Clown'. Will's life seems to improve as he moves into a fancy house in a nicer neighborhood and brings Syd to live with him as his roommate.The media coverage attracts the attention of Ed and his murderous sons (who are still raping, as well as killing, young men while keeping his double life a secret from his second wife). They approach Will and threaten him with a copy of the videotape of him being sodomized and begin to extort money from him. When Will tries to pay the men off, they attack him in a bathroom stall. While Ed and his sons take the money, they still will not let Will off the hook. Will finally strikes an agreement with the men wherein he will come to a motel room and "perform" for them, allowing himself to be taken advantage of again, and they will give him all of the copies of the tape.However, Will secretly plans to ambush and murder all of them with the help of Syd, who purchases two pistols from the local drug dealer named Tuott the Basehead (Jason Mewes).When the time comes, Will finds himself unable to kill his three tormentors. Just as Ed and his sons move in to rape and murder Will, Ed's son Frankie accidentally shoots himself in the face with Will's gun. Then, a shootout ensues with another (unnamed) lowlife at the motel, who breaks into the room to rob them. Both the bum and Ed's other son (Gino) shoot each other to death. Ed panics, and Will chases him through the motel parking lot to a nearby playground. As Will approaches him to shoot him, Ed drops dead of a massive heart attack. His conscience clear, Will retrieves the tape and gives it to Syd to destroy to cover up his past. In the free and clear, Will then goes back to hosting his childrens television show.
    

Scott Mosier

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