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Il était une fois... la vie

Once Upon a Time... Man


            After a group of legionaries is once again beaten up by the gauls, they imagine: "With such huge strength, they can't be human... they must be gods". Julius Caesar is informed, and laughs. He makes a decision with his council and goes to Armorica, to speak with Vitalstatistix. He gives the Gauls a series of 12 tasks, inspired by Hercules (but new ones, since the 12 Labours are outdated). Vitalstatistix assembles their best warriors, Asterix and Obelix, to do the job. The Roman Caius Tiddlus is sent along with them to guide them and check they complete each task.The Twelve Tasks:1. Run faster than Asbestos, champion of the Olympic Games. Asterix, helped by the magic potion, follows Asbestos until he runs so fast he becomes a rocket and exceeds the speed of sound, before hitting an apple tree. His nose swells up like a balloon and Obelix comments on how Gaulish it looks.2. Throw a javelin farther than Verses, the Persian. Verses' javelin hits North America (still only inhabited by Indians, including another Goscinny-Uderzo character, Oumpah-pah), but Obelix's javelin somehow enters a stable orbit and ends up pursuing Verses into the distance. As far as anyone can tell, he's still running from it.3. Beat Cilindric, the German. Cilindric turns out to be an unexpectedly diminutive man wearing a Judo gi but he quickly beats Obelix with a "fighting technique he learnt in a distant land". Asterix defeats Cilindric by tricking him into giving a lesson and asking for demonstrations that eventually end up with Cilindric's own arms and legs tied in knots.4. Cross a lake. The problem being that in the middle of the lake is the "Isle of Pleasure", a paradise inhabited by beautiful Sirens. Both Asterix and Obelix are enchanted and drawn to the island, but Obelix comes to his senses quickly after discovering that there are no wild boars on the island, has an incandescent argument with the Sirens, and storms off declaring that they can't call it the Isle of Pleasure if they don't serve wild boars, calling Asterix to follow him.5. Survive the hypnotic gaze of Iris, the Egyptian. Iris uses hypnosis to make his clients believe they are animals. He tries to make Asterix act to the phrase, "I am a wild boar", but when Asterix constantly breaks his concentration by not paying attention and saying "You are a wild boar" instead, Iris gets horribly confused and ends up hypnotising himself and bolting out of the building on all fours.6. Finish a meal by Mannekenpix, the Belgian. The chef is famous for cooking gigantic meals for the Titans - the task was to eat one of his massive three-course meals "down to the last crumb". Obelix devours a boar with fries, a flock of geese, several mutton, an omelette made with eight dozen eggs, a whole school of fish, an ox, a cow, veal ("because to separate ze family...zat would not be right!"), a huge mound of caviar (with a single piece of toast), a camel, (and before we start on the main course") an elephant stuffed with olives. Later on the chef leaves the kitchen crying as everything in his kitchen was eaten, but a slightly disappointed Obelix believes that the huge meals were only appetisers.7. Survive the Cave of the Beast. In a distinctly abstract sequence of the film, the pair must enter a cave that no-one has ever emerged from alive - even Tiddlus has no idea what lurks within it. They encounter, among other sights, tennis played with a skull, bats, and a subway (on parisier stop of Alésia), before meeting the Beast. The lights suddenly go dark and the Beast is not shown on-screen. After they leave the cave, Tiddlus asks out of curiosity what the Beast was actually like - Obelix happily replies that it was "very tasty".8. Find Permit A 38 in "The Place That Sends You Mad". A mind-numbing multi-storey building founded on bureaucracy and staffed by clinically unhelpful people who direct all their clients to other similarly unhelpful people elsewhere in the building, which is also full of confusing corridors and steep stairs. Obelix goes nearly insane after some time but Asterix eventually beats them at their own game by asking for an imaginary permit in a corridor that nobody knows about, making the staff victims of their own unhelpfulness and sending the place into disarray. Eventually Asterix is given Permit A 38 just to make him leave and stop causing trouble.9. Cross a ravine on an invisible tightrope, over a river full of crocodiles. Eventually the heroic duo decide to give up on the rope and go the easy way round, jumping off and fighting the crocodiles, leaving the bemused creatures dangling on the invisible wire.10. Climb a mountain and answer the Old Man's riddle. After a tough climb of the snowbound peak, the Old Man of the Mountain's challenge is to determine, with eyes blindfolded, which pile of laundry was washed with Olympus, "the detergent of the gods". Asterix performs this task easily in a parody of washing detergent advertisements.11. Spend a night on the haunted plains. The plain, haunted by the ghosts of fallen Roman soldiers, is not an easy place to sleep. Obelix tries to fight them, but cannot harm ghosts. Asterix, woken by the commotion, furiously confronts the ghosts and they flee when they realise that the Gauls are not afraid of them.12. Survive the Circus. When the pair wakes up after a night on the plains, they find themselves in Rome, ("either that or these Romans have learnt to build very fast") with their fellow villagers, who have been brought to fight in the Colosseum. After the gladiators are beaten (with the help of Getafix's potion, of course) the animals are sent in, and the Gauls turn the Circus into a modern day circus.After the Gauls succeed in every task, Caesar agrees that they are gods, gives them control of the Roman Empire, and retires to live with Cleopatra in a little house in the country. Caius Tiddlus takes his reward by retiring to the Isle of Pleasure.
    

The Twelve Tasks of Asterix

Once Upon a Time... The Explorers

Il était une fois... l'espace


            In the aging orphanage the days pass very uneventfully, but the nights are something quite different; at least for Tim they are. The light reflected from the stars is the only cure for his fear of the dark. One night this fear leads him to the orphanage rooftop. Where he discovers that his favorite star has disappeared, and unfortunately it´s not going to be the last one. Tim also discovers a peculiar character that goes by the name of the Cat Shepherd; together with his faithful cat Tobermory, that will become Tim's personal guardian, the Shepherd is in charge of making children sleep peacefully.But Tim is not about to go to bed. He needs his star more than anything in the world, and will do what it takes to see it shine in the night sky once again.Tim convinces the Shepherd to take him to see Moka, the guardian of the night, and pleads for him to return the stars to the night sky. Moka pays scarce attention to the boys pleas, so Tim asks the Cat Shepherd to take him to the Lighthouse of the Stars, where he thinks he may find the answer to the strange phenomena.Tim, the Shepherd, and Tobermory race against the clock through the streets of Nocturna, a world in which hundreds of the most diverse creatures work to create the night as we all know it. Little by little our friends will discover something strange is happening. An ominous threat is putting in danger the night and the inhabitants of Nocturna, and Tim is unknowingly the one behind it all.
    

Nocturna

Asterix in Britain

Asterix and Obelix: Mansion of the Gods


            The movie begins when Obelix falls in love with the chief's niece, Panacea. His heart is quickly broken when he hears that she is due to be married to the handsome Tragicomix. The two lovers are walking in the woods when they are captured by a group of Romans lead by a fresh new recruit looking to impress the Centurion of the Roman Camp. The Centurion is infuriated, knowing that the Gauls will attack. Panacea, Tragicomix and the new recruit are sent to the farthest outpost of the Roman empire (in the Sahara) while the Centurion and his troops prepare for the battle.The angered Gauls trash the camp after which Asterix and Obelix are sent to find the Panacea and Tragicomix and thus end up joining the legionaries.In the Sahara Tragicomix and Panacea manage to escape the Romans but are captured by slave traders and sold to Julius Caesar (or rather given as the humorous scene explains). After defying Caesar they are condemned as the grand finale of the Circus Maximus at the Colosseum where they will be thrown to the lions.Asterix and Obelix trace the pair to Rome (after a brief stay in Egypt) and try to find the guy who they were sold to (the head of the Gladiator School). In a desperate effort to recruit Asterix and Obelix the owner of the Gladiator School orders their capture. They manage to capture Asterix who has lost his magic potion. That night a rainstorm flooded Asterix's cell and nearly drowned him. He is saved by Obelix who loses Dogmatix (Idéfix) who in fact has the magic potion and is bouncing around the Roman sewers which water was extremely rapid as the rainstorm causes it (the Cloaca Maxima?).In an effort to free the lovers Asterix and Obelix join the Gladiator School. After they successfully mock up the show, Caesar unleashes the lions. Dogmatix makes a daring run across the lions' cage to the centre of the arena and gives Asterix the potion. He throws it to Tragicomix who takes care of the lions. While Obelix attempts to capture the lions he's distracted by Panacea and runs in to a pillar shattering a third of the Colosseum. With the show over and the audience evacuated Caesar grants the Gauls their freedom.The movie ends up with the trademark victory feast that ends with the chief tripping over a rope of sausages.
    

Asterix Versus Caesar

Heathcliff & the Catillac Cats

Asterix and the Big Fight


            As the story begins, the Vikings are depressed because in raid after raid they find the locations devoid of people. Cryptograf, an advisor to Viking chief Timandahaf, says that the enemies are always gone because, "Fear gives them wings". Timandahaf excitedly concludes that they must find a "Champion of Fear", who can teach them to be great cowards so they can fly, making them invincible. The chief says he'll give anything to whoever can bring him this Champion of Fear. Cryptograf hatches a secret plan to seize power and tells the chief they'll find the Champion of Fear in Gaul.During a typical day in the Gaulish village, chief Vitalstatistix announces the imminent arrival of his nephew Justforkix, who is to be trained to be a man. When Justforkix arrives from Parisium, he doesn't look like warrior material. He uses his bird SMS (Shortmessageservix) to send messages to his "babes". Besides chasing girls, he's into hi-tech, nightlife, and dancing and he's a vegetarian, much to the dismay of Obelix, who can't get him to try wild boar.In Norway, as the Vikings prepare to start their quest, the chief's wife, Vikea, orders her husband to get her some flat-packed easy-to-assemble furniture from his raids, while his daughter, Abba, insists on going along, but is flatly refused. Abba disguises herself as a man and goes anyway.Back in Gaul, the training of Justforkix under the direction of Asterix and Obelix is proceeding, but with little, if any, success. He runs screaming from any danger and refuses to drink potion. Upon their arrival in Gaul, Cryptograf explains to his incredibly stupid son, Olaf, that he must capture the Champion of Fear, and claim the prize of anything he wants, which Cryptograf says is the chief's daughter, Abba. Since the chief has no son, this would put Olaf in line to be the next chief (with Cryptograf calling the shots, of course).Justforkix is captured by Olaf, and Asterix and Obelix must go to retrieve him before the next full moon when his father, Doublehelix, is expected at their village. Asterix and Obelix arrive on Iceland shortly after the Vikings, but they can't rescue Justforkix. He doesn't want to leave because he considers the Vikings (especially Abba) to be his friends. After our heroes' retreat, the Vikings decide to test Justforkix's flying skills by throwing him off a cliff. Cryptograf secretly rigs up a rope to Justforkix allowing him to be suspended in the foggy air, convincing the Vikings that he really can fly.The Vikings rush off to the wedding ceremony leaving the Champion of Fear dangling, and Asterix and Obelix return just in time to rescue him before the rope breaks. On the way to Gaul, Justforkix sneaks some magic potion from Asterix and swims back to stop the wedding and rescue Abba. Later, he discovers that he really can fly as he rescues Abba from another precarious spot using a hang glider improvised from a ship's mast and sail.Back in the Gaulish village, everyone gathers to celebrate the wedding of Justforkix and Abba, and the Vikings finally experience real fear when they hear a ballad sung by Cacofonix.
    

Roger Carel

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