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A Dark Place

Killer Daddy Issues


            An army general (Glenn Morshower) addressing a bunch of assembled troops and stating that real heroes are hard to find these days.Meanwhile, diner waiter Larry (Larry the Cable Guy) is serving sandwiches at a local diner. His girlfriend Karen (Christina Moore) comes up to him and quickly tells him she's pregnant, and before she can stop him, he announces to everybody that she is pregnant and proposes to her. She then tells him that it is not his baby.Meanwhile, Bill Little (Bill Engvall) is talking about marriage with his neighbor (Michael Papajohn). The neighbor points out that most marriages end in divorce, and Bill says that it takes a lot to make a marriage work, such as incriminating photos of him with a girl who was just a good listener and eager to please at the local nightclub.Elsewhere, a man opens up a storage shed to see the leotard-and-leopard-skirt (with a porn-star mustache) clad Everett (DJ Qualls) watching TV. He reprimands Everett for living here when he just works here and berates him for having been a cop for only four days.Sometime later, the three are getting set for their Monthly trip up to their deserted army recruitment camp; turns out these three are also army reservists and picking on Everett about his tendency to be trigger-happy is their form of entertainment.Meanwhile, on an army base somewhere, a Colonel gets a request for more troops for Fallujah and he pulls up the name of the base where the boys are staying and sends Sgt. Kilgore (Keith David) to assess the situation at the reserve base.Kilgore arrives there to find Bill and Larry eating chips and Everett out on a beer run. Pretty soon he has them going through an intense training regimen and not long after, they find themselves being shipped out. The day they leave, Everett and Bill are both making calls, Everett to his boss and Bill to his wife Connie (Lisa Lampinelli), but they are dragged off to a hangar by Kilgore. Once they're all gathered, Kilgore appoints Larry squad leader and marches them onto the plane.The plane is flying through a brutal thunderstorm. The trio, in search of comfort, sneak into a Humvee in the cargo area. Kilgore wakes up and sees them gone and tracks them down just as the pilots encounter heavy turbulence that forces them to drop some cargo. In a moment, the Humvee, some supply boxes, and Kilgore are all falling through the night sky.The next morning, the boys pull themselves from the Humvee, look at the surrounding sandy landscape, and conclude they're in Iraq. After Everett accidentally smashes the radio, they find Kilgore lying next to one of the supply crates and conclude that he died in the fall. They solemnly bury him and give him a brief eulogy that gets interrupted by the sound of Everett urinating into a canteen, claiming that urine's sterility makes it drinkable. Bill and Larry shake their heads and the three load up and move out, not noticing the sign they pass over that says, "Mexico City 500 km."They soon come to a gas station where they fill up, look at a map of Iraq, and have some MREs. Since Larry doesn't like his spaghetti and meatballs, he trades it with Bill for his beef stew, who immediately leaves the spaghetti on the pump when he realizes that Larry spit his chewing tobacco into it. As their getting ready to leave, Everett spots some "Iraqis" and after shooting their donkey, runs up to them and starts demanding to know if they're "Turds or Shi'tites", to which Bill corrects him with, "It's Kurds or Shi'ites, numbskull." Speaking in Spanish to each other, the two "Iraqis" realize these guys can help their village and take them to their town.Meanwhile, back at Kilgore's gravesite, the sergeant wakes up from being knocked unconscious, claws his way out of the dirt cairn he was buried in, staggers over to the left-behind canteen, drinks from it, retches, and screams in vengeance. Meanwhile, the trio hang outside the village of La Miranda where they see some insurgents abuse the locals. They drive the Humvee in and shoot the place up, but still manage to scare most of the "insurgents" off and capture one for questioning, to the delight of the villagers, who throw them a party featuring tacos, which Bill is surprised to find in Iraq. The mayor Tony Perez, who is hosting the party with his daughter Maria (Marisol Nichols), hears this and tries to correct him, but gets shouted out by the boisterous laughter of Larry.Meanwhile, Kilgore makes it to the gas station and after having a bite of Larry's tobacco-filled spaghetti -- and spitting it out -- finds two guys who offer to give him a ride, although secretly they tell each other that they'll take him back to their place and have fun with him there.Meanwhile, Everett is wearing a sniper ghillie suit he brought from home and interrogating the captured bandit. Larry comes in and sees this and sends Everett out to play with a cannon he found while he asks the guy if he is Al Qaeda. After a minute, the guy realizes what's going on and laughs at them and calls him a "gringo". Larry's eyes bulge and he runs outside to find a drunken Bill confirming they're in Mexico while on the arm of an attractive senorita named Magdalena (Danielle Hartnett), and Larry screams and faints.A little while later, Larry is up and freaking out to Bill who calmly -- and with the help of Everett the dictionary -- tells him that technically, according to the US governments definition of terrorists, they still are fighting terrorism and are doing exactly what the army would have them doing, just not in the same place. Larry calms down enough to accept their "mission". That night, while he's walking/flirting through the village with Maria, he learns the name of the leader of the bandits -- a name designed to strike fear (and confusion) into the hearts of all who hear it -- Carlos Santana.At the same time, Santana himself (Danny Trejo) heading things up at his bar by having The Amazing Ken (Jeff Dunham), a kidnapped comedian, perform a bad ventriloquism act and then shooting the dummy when he doesn't like it. At this point one of the banditos from before comes in and tells Santana about the hundreds of US soldiers who have shown up to offer aid to the village, and Santana accepts this news with dignity and grace....and then has two subordinates kill the guy. One of his assistants ask if they're going to La Miranda tonight, and he says, "No, I don't like to work on weekends. Tonight....we do KARAOKE!!!!"Over the next day or two, the trio continue to fix things up around town under what Bill calls "Operation: Sombrero". At the same time, Kilgore secures his freedom with violence, and steal a scooter with nothing on but a little red teddy. At some point, Bill tries to fix the radio to call his superior -- his wife -- and the bartender in front of him tells him about a nearby working phone. They drive out there without telling Larry or Everett but as Bill is getting chewed out for not having mowed the lawn yet and for being in Mexico instead of Iraq, Santana and his goons sneak up on Bill and take him hostage, using the threat of alone time with Santana's gay nephew Ruben (Joe Nunez) to get Bill to talk.Back in town, Everett is trying to get the cannon to work but his arm keeps getting stuck in it and Larry and Maria are talking about her dream to move to the coast and start a restaurant when Santana and troops roll in. They threaten to shoot Bill and Santana gloats that Larry can't shoot all of them until Larry points out that he can just shoot Santana. Bill gets released and suddenly out of nowhere Kilgore shows up and starts chewing out Bill and Larry, not realizing about Santana and the others until a gun is poking into his face. Suddenly, Everett comes charging in with his rifle and this sets off a big fight during which Everett tries to fire a Rocket Launcher at the bandits but instead hits the water fountain, which erupts in a magnificent geyser of water. Fortunately, the explosion scares off the bandits, and the boys are celebrating until they realize that the bandits have captured Kilgore. Left with no choice, the boys decide to go and break him out.That night, Santana is hosting a wrestling tournament between some luchadore and two of his lieutenants. As the luchadore trounces the other guys, Kilgore is tortured by being forced to sing a karaoke version of "I Got You Babe" with Reuben. Meanwhile, the boys have arrived and are steadily sneaking into the compound as Bill constantly changes disguises to manipulate things and Larry goes in to sneak around. Meanwhile, the luchadore has cleared the ring and is searching for a new combatant which he finds in Everett, disguised as a luchadore named "Carne Asada". As they start fighting, Larry breaks Kilgore out and goes to drop in on Santana. Meanwhile, Kilgore finds some dynamite which he and Bill use on the trucks. Just as Everett manages to win his match and rips off his mask in triumph (something a real luchadore would never do) and Larry gets the drop on Santana, the dynamite goes off and our boys make a quick exit as Santana swears revenge on La Miranda.Back in town the next day, Kilgore relents on his take-charge attitude and agrees to help the boys defend La Miranda, and just in time as the bandits pull up. The townspeople hide in the church just as an old Sherman tank rolls up and starts blasting everything. Kilgore yells that they need to stop that thing, and Larry screams for cover as he runs across to the cannon. He finally gets it to work by kicking it, and just then the cavalry arrives in the form of four army helicopters. The bandits scatter, and Santana makes for the church and takes Maria hostage. After making sure that the mayor doesn't have any other attractive daughters, Larry tracks Santana down, rescues Maria, and knocks Santana out with one punch. Once things calm down, a state secretary approaches Larry and Bill (who suffered a shot in his rear differential), and reveals that if they're willing to cooperate, they can make this look good for everybody.Soon, news reports are spreading across the globe about the humanitarian aid given by the army in "Operation: Sombrero" and its efforts to capture local crime lord and rock star Carlos Santana. From here, an award ceremony honors Kilgore and the boys for their actions, where they each get the silver star and Bill gets a purple heart.Days pass after these recent events. Sargeant Kilgore moved to Miami, Florida, where he opened up a private exercise camp where he uses his abuse for the good of mankind. Everett moved back to Mexico and officially became a luchadore using his persona of "Carne Asada". Bill sued the Mexican government for his injury and settled out-of-court, and is currently living off the payoff in Beverly Hills. Larry went back to Mexico, married Maria, and opened up a restaurant called "The Mess Hall" in Cabo San Lucas. As for Santana, he was jailed and put into a rehab program. After being released, he became a ventriloquist using the Amazing Ken's dummy he had shot earlier.
    

Michael Rose

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