
            Dante Hicks (Brian O'Halloran) is a clerk at the Quick Stop, a local convenience store in Leonardo, New Jersey. On Dante's day off, his boss calls him in to cover a few hours for another employee who is sick. Arriving at the store, he finds that padlocks for the security shutters are jammed closed with chewing gum, so he hangs a sheet over them with a message in shoe polish: I ASSURE YOU; WE'RE OPEN! Dante is flustered at having to open the store at 6 AM when he'd just closed it the night before. He's also upset that he hasn't gotten enough sleep before having to play a street hockey game that afternoon.Dante's day is spent in the purgatory of serving a succession of clueless and oblivious customers while bemoaning the fact that "I'm not even supposed to be here today!" His earliest customer is a man who tries to convince cigarette-buying customers that they should buy chewing gum, Chewlies brand, instead of smoking. To emphasize his point, the man shows a customer what he claims is a diseased lung that he carries in a bag. Before long, a crowd has gathered at the checkout and turns hostile at the first customer's taunts and rantings, blaming Dante for the ills of smoking because he sells cigarettes. When they start pelting him with cigarettes, Dante's girlfriend, Veronica, appears and sprays them all with a fire extinguisher, bringing them under control. She confronts the man who recommended the chewing gum, finding out he's a representative of the Chewlies brand trying to drum up sales. She orders him out along with the mob, chiding them for having nothing better to do with their lives.Dante and Veronica talk for a bit behind the counter about their past relationships. After a few minutes, Veronica gets up to leave and sees an old flame of hers, a guy nicknamed "Snowball". She admits to Dante that she'd performed oral sex on him and the conversation quickly escalates into an argument. She tells him that she performed fellatio on 36 other guys before she dated Dante. Dante jealously considers her past acts to be more severe than his own, which include having had sex with 11 other women before Veronica. Veronica storms out, furious with Dante's insensitivity.Interspersed with the demands of his job, Dante passes time in wide-ranging conversations with his slacker friend, Randal Graves (Jeff Anderson). Randal ostensibly works at the RST Video Store right next door, although he spends almost the entire day at the Quick Stop and is not averse to treating customers with contempt. The two converse about many things to pass time, such as whether the independent contractors working on the second Death Star when it was destroyed at the end of Return of the Jedi might have been innocent victims of the Rebels' efforts to defeat the Empire. Another customer offers support for Randall's theory when he tells the duo that he passed up a contracting job on a mobster's house and the contractor that took the job was killed when the house was bombed.Veronica stops in again, bringing Dante lasagna for lunch. The two reconcile about their respective sexual pasts -- in an earlier conversation with Randal, Dante realizes that his sexual history is no better than Veronica's. She and Dante also talk about Dante's current disposition -- he's in a rut with no motivation to change -- Dante had attended college for a short period and dropped out. Veronica had transferred to a nearby university to be closer to Dante. Further contributing to Dante's misery is an announcement shown him by Randal in the local newspaper that his famously unfaithful ex-girlfriend, Caitlin, is engaged to be married. For the previous several weeks Dante had been secretly talking to Caitlin on the phone, rekindling their relationship. Dante also talks to Randal about how Caitlin had frequently been unfaithful to Dante, once even mistaking him for another man at a party they'd both gone to separately. Randal suggests that Dante stay with Veronica since she really loves him and that Caitlin isn't worth going back to because of her infidelity.Learning that he's stuck working the store all day because his relief skipped out to go to Vermont on vacation and the owner of the store and building is nowhere to be found, Dante convinces his friends to play hockey on the store roof. The game is short; 12 minutes into the 1st period, an irate customer climbs the ladder to the roof, demanding that Dante open the store. When the guy criticizes Dante's playing, Dante angrily invites him to play in their game. The guy wastes no time knocking Dante over in the face off and shoots their only ball off the roof and into a storm drain.Reopening the store, Dante finds out one another of his ex-girlfriends has died and her memorial service is today. Randal talks him into closing the store again and going to the wake. The visit is disastrous, and the two are seen leaving the funeral home in a hurry and driving away, although the audience doesn't see what transpires during the memorial service. However, a conversation moments later between the two reveals that Randal knocked over the casket. Randal seems indifferent to the chaos he caused, callously saying that the dead friend didn't feel a thing.While talking to a couple of former high-school classmates, Dante finds out that the man he's talking to, Rick Derris, was one of Caitlin's flings while she was still dating Dante. Another man enters the store and asks Dante if he's been working there all day. After a few moments, he hands Dante a court summons; Dante had allegedly sold cigarettes to an underage girl, whose mother had called the authorities. However, Dante had not been at the counter at the time, Randal had and had sold the girl the cigarettes. Dante now faces incontestable charges and a $500 fine. While he chases after the official and Derris in protest, Caitlin (Lisa Spoonhauer) suddenly appears, a surprise visit.Dante takes her to the video store for a private conversation. After she assures Dante that the engagement announcement was a premature and arranged by her overbearing and domineering mother, the two trade banter and Dante becomes torn between her and Veronica. He finally decides to take Caitlin on a date and slips home to change. He returns to discover that Caitlin has had sex with a dead man in the bathroom, having mistaken the man for Dante (the man had earlier entered the bathroom with a pornographic magazine and had suffered a fatal heart attack while masturbating). An ambulance takes Caitlin away in shock, along with the corpse.Meanwhile, Jay and Silent Bob (Jason Mewes and Kevin Smith), a pair of stoners who've spent all day hanging out (and dealing marijuana) outside the Quick Stop, enter the store to shoplift. Dante turns down Jay's offer to party with them. Knowing Dante's predicament, Silent Bob pauses before following Jay outside and offers the following wisdom: "You know, there's a million fine-looking women in the world, dude. But they don't all bring you lasagna at work. Most of 'em just cheat on you."Dante then realizes that he loves Veronica. When she returns to the Quick Stop, though, Randal complicates things by revealing that Dante was in love with Caitlin and is planning to date his ex again. Veronica angrily breaks up with Dante and reveals to him that Randal told her of his plans to be with Caitlin. Dante finally loses his temper and fights with Randal, making a mess of the store. Afterward, while they sit in the mess they created, Dante continues to bemoan his station in life and being stuck in a dead end job, having a girlfriend who had sex with a dead man, and that Veronica had an active sex life before she and Dante began dating. Finally losing his own temper, Randall yells back at Dante and counters everything by telling Dante that he's sick of hearing him whine about how rotten his life is and that Dante needs to think about making serious changes in his life if he wants it to improve.The film ends with the two reconciling and cleaning up the store for the night. At Dante's request, Randal "rangles" out, popping back in briefly to toss Dante's sign at him stating, "You're closed!"
    

Clerks


            
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            A decade after the events of Clerks, thirty two-year-old Dante Hicks (Brian OHalloran) is still a disgruntled employee at the Quick Stop convenience store. He arrives for another day of work, only to discover, when he opens the security shutters, that the store is on fire. Randal Graves (Jeff Anderson), Dante's long-time best friend and Quick Stop colleague, had left the coffee pot on the night before. As a result of the Quick Stop's destruction, the two men begin working at a Mooby's fast food restaurant.After working at Mooby's for nearly a year, Dante is planning to move from New Jersey to Florida with his blonde, bony and wealthy fiancée, Emma (Jennifer Schwalbach Smith). Jay and Silent Bob (Jason Mewes and Kevin Smith) have followed Dante and Randal throughout their adventures, and now loiter outside of Mooby's. Though they no longer use drugs (after being arrested, sent to rehab, and supposedly becoming born-again Christians), they continue to sell them and perform their typical antics in the parking lot.It is Dante's last day before moving, which inspires Randal to give him a "memorable sendoff" and secretly book a donkey show to perform in the restaurant after closing time. Randal takes great satisfaction in manipulating and shocking his 19-year-old co-worker, Elias (Trevor Fehrman), a hopelessly geeky conservative Christian and obsessive fan of Transformers and the Lord of the Rings trilogy. Randal holds nothing but contempt for both franchises ("There's only one Return, and it ain't of the King; it's of the Jedi"), and taunts a customer who shares Elias' manic admiration of the LOTR series until said customer vomits in disgust.Dante, meanwhile, has become good friends with their manager, Becky Scott (Rosario Dawson), and the two had a drunken one-night stand several weeks before. Becky is aware that Dante is engaged and moving away and is visibly rattled by it, though she treats the subject casually in conversation. While working the counter, Dante and Randal are forced to wait on a former high school rival, Lance Dowds (Jason Lee), now a millionaire from launching a successful website. While Randal recounts Lance's humiliating initiation experience in freshman year which resulted in Lance being nicknamed "Pickle-fucker," he is still angered by Lance's condescending remarks towards him and Dante. After Lance leaves, Randal convinces Dante to blow off work with him and go ride the go-karts at a local fun center (which Randal claims clears his head). Upon their return, they find the restaurant understaffed and full of customers. While preparing food, Randal launches into a rant and angers two African-American customers (Wanda Sykes and Earthquake) when he incorporates the slur "porch monkey" into his speech. Randal initially refuses to believe it is a racial slur, as he did not know its real definition, and because his grandmother had used it as a "term of endearment" for him during his childhood (he initially did not consider his grandmother to be a racist, though he remembers her referring to a broken beer bottle as a "nigger knife"). Randal vows to reclaim the phrase and give it a more positive meaning.While Randal manages to hire "Kinky Kelly and the Sexy Stud" to perform the donkey show for Dante that night, Dante becomes torn between his mainstream fiancée, Emma, whom he cares for but has little in common with, and his increasing feelings for Becky. When asked by Becky if he has any fear of marriage, he admits he is scared of his wedding reception because he cannot dance. Becky enthusiastically takes him to the roof and gives him a dance lesson (as The Jackson 5's "ABC" blasts from Jay and Silent Bob's boom box, causing everyone in the restaurant and parking lot to dance as well). Overwhelmed, Dante confesses his love to Becky and is stunned when she reveals that she is pregnant as a result of their one-night stand.A shocked Dante reveals to Randal that Becky is pregnant with his child, and that she does not want an abortion. Randal is taken aback, but swears not to tell anyone, as Becky had already sworn Dante to secrecy. However, Randal ruins this moments later by congratulating Becky on her pregnancy ('May your first child be a masculine child!"). Becky is furious at Dante for blabbing the secret and lividly drives off. Dante erupts in rage and attempts to punch Randal, who panics inwardly when he sees the Kinky Kelly van enter the parking lot. Randal frantically escorts Dante to his car, telling him to follow Becky and talk to her for an hour. Once Dante leaves, Randal speaks with the gruff-looking driver of the Kinky Kelly van (Zak Knutson), and gives him an hour to set up the show equipment in the restaurant. Meanwhile, Becky and Dante drive around separately, thinking over their situation. Becky pauses in front of a women's care clinic, while Dante is waved at by a little girl (Harley Quinn Smith) through a restaurant window, leading him to contemplate fatherhood.Dante arrives back at Mooby's, which is emitting smoke from its windows. Dante panics and calls the fire department, only to realize the smoke is from a smoke machine being used for the donkey show. Though shocked by Randal's choice of a farewell gift, Dante is drawn into the show's audience (Randal, Jay, Silent Bob, and a very drunk/stoned Elias). As the show begins, their hopes of seeing an attractive woman slowly disappear. Kinky Kelly, who was assumed to be the female exotic dancer, is actually the name of the donkey, while the Sexy Stud is in fact the burly, tattooed man who had driven the trailer. As the Stud prepares to perform an array of explicit acts on Kelly, Becky returns to the restaurant. Dante again confesses his love for her, and she eventually admits that she cares for him too. Dante's fiancée, Emma, comes to Mooby's to surprise Dante, only to see him kissing Becky. She angrily throws her engagement ring at Becky and leaves in tears.The fire department arrives, responding to Dante's earlier call. With the donkey show in full swing, most of the attendants drunk, and Randal having spelled out "PORCH MONKEY 4 LIFE" on the back of his shirt with masking tape, everyone but Becky is arrested. In their jail cell, Dante gets into a heated argument with Randal, blaming him for ruining his life. Randal becomes indignant and reveals how upset he was about having his best friend move away. They finally admit how much they care about their friendship, and Randal suggests they get back their good old days at the Quick Stop by re-opening it themselves. Jay and Silent Bob agree to lend them money for the endeavor, on the condition that they can hang out in front of the store whenever they want. They are released from jail shortly after, since (as the Sexy Stud had assured them) you cannot be imprisoned for watching an inter-species sex act.Dante finally decides to start a family life with Becky and proposes to her at the Mooby's drive-thru window. She, Dante, and Randal work on fixing up the charred Quick Stop, and hire Elias to work Randal's old job at the adjacent RC Video store. The film ends with a content Dante and Randal working the counter at the rehabilitated Quick Stop convenience, happy to be in control of their lives at last.
    

Clerks II


            The film opens in the early 1970s in front of the Quick Stop Groceries and the Record Rack stores in Leonardo, NJ. A kindly mother leaves a stroller with her toddler son, Bob, in front of the store while she goes inside to buy food. She gives the boy a baseball cap that she puts on his head with the visor turned backwards. Another mother, more foulmouthed and demeaning toward her own toddler, Jay, leaves her stroller in front of the store while she goes into the record store to score drugs. A man walks out & asks her who'll be watching the kids while their mothers are inside. The woman lets loose with a torrent of foul language, laced liberally with the F-word, attacking the man for questioning how she raises her kid. The guy walks away, disgusted The child of the foul-mouthed mother stands up in his stroller and begins to recite the F-word in rhythmic fashion and the scene dissolves to the two boys as young adults; they have grown up to become the foul-mouthed Jay and his taciturn companion, Silent Bob. The duo stand in front of the stores (the Quick Stop is still there but the record store has changed to RST Video) most days and deal drugs. When a couple of teenagers approach them, Jay launches into a rap sales pitch reminiscent of Morris Day & the Time's "Jungle Love". When the younger teen derides the song, Jay grabs him and threatens him. From the video store, Randal Graves appears and tells Jay and Bob to let the kid go and that the Time sucked anyway. Jay tells the two buyers that Randal and his coworker, Dante Hicks, are both a gay couple and that their wedding ceremony was Star Wars-themed. Randal says he'll do something that should've been done long ago: he calls the police. Jay and Bob are arrested after Jay mouths off to the cop.Jay and Bob go to the comic book store that bears their name to talk to Banky. They've been slapped with a restraining order that forbids them to go to either Quick Stop or RST. Banky tells them both that they shouldn't have to bother selling drugs anymore because of the royalties they received when the comic series they inspired, Bluntman and Chronic, was sold to a major motion picture studio. The two are stunned, saying they didn't know about the deal. Banky tells them both that they should talk to his old business partner, Holden McNeil, who brokered the deal after he'd bought Banky out of his share of the original comic.The two go to Holden's offices and confront him about the movie. Holden tells them that Banky had lied to them and had brokered the deal, leaving Holden with nothing. He also says that the buzz on the internet is that the movie will be very profitable. Jay and Bob are both clueless as to the existence of the internet and Holden shows them an example of a forum website where fans and non-fans of Bluntman and Chronic are sharing their views on the unfinished film. Jay and Bob are furious at the negative buzz and make it their mission to go to Hollywood and stop the production of the film.Without a car, the two decide to hitchhike. After receiving advice from an expert hitchhiker where he tells them to perform sexual favors for rides, the two are picked up by a nun. She throws them both out of her car when Jay suggests that the Rules of the Road require him to pay her with oral sex. Stranded in front of a Mooby's restaurant, they go inside to get something to eat. They find an internet station and launch a foul-mouthed response to their detractors on Moviepoopshoot.com. While they order their food, a beautiful woman, Justice, walks in. Jay is immediately smitten and imagines kissing her to Bon Jovi's "Bad Medicine." After they introduce themselves, they hitch a ride with Justice and her two companions, Chrissy and Sissy. Also joining them is a geeky guy with a guitar, named Brent. Justice tells them that she and her comrades are animal rights activists who travel around the USA freeing animals from medical testing laboratories. After a few minutes, Jay and Bob quickly dispose of Brent when they trick him into falsely admitting he hates animals.The team arrives at a research facility somewhere in the West. After taping Jay and Bob saying that they are the masterminds behind the liberation of the animals in the facility, Jay and Bob break into the place and start searching. Justice, Sissy and Chrissy also steal into the facility from another entrance and reveal their own plan: they will steal a fortune in diamonds while Jay and Bob are arrested as patsies. The girls are able to slip past most of the security devices, but Chrissy farts and sets off the alarm. They flee in a sports convertible, leaving Jay and Bob behind.Meanwhile, Jay and Bob have found an orangutan named Suzanne and bring her outside, only to find the local authorities waiting for them. A slew of animals also escapes. Jay and Bob escape in the confusion. One of the cops happens to be a Federal Wildlife Marshal named Willenholly. He takes up pursuit of Jay and Bob, believing that they've kidnapped the monkey.Jay and Bob make their way toward Hollywood with the inept Willenholly following them. In California, Justice and her friends have cashed in the loot they stole and are living well near the beach. Justice feels tremendous guilt about deceiving Jay and Bob and decides to find them.Jay and Bob make it to a large dam and are found by Willenholly. They evade him, Willenholly falling off the dam into the river below. Meanwhile, Suzanne is picked up by a car bearing a sign "Critters of Hollywood". Jay, frustrated, asks Bob what they can do now. Bob tries to mime a plan to chase the car that picked up Suzanne but Jay doesn't understand him. Bob finally lets loose a screaming tirade saying he'd seen the sign on the car. The two leave for Los Angeles.In LA, Jay and Boy find a couple of drug dealers who belong to the same union they do. The guys take them to the studio where Bluntman and Chronic is being filmed. They find the actors who are cast in their roles, knock them out and take their costumes. On the set, they fill in for the actors and begin shooting a scene with the film's villain, Cock Knocker, who bears a huge fist. The shoot is completely disrupted and Jay and Bob find Banky among the entourage. They confront him about selling the rights to their characters without their permission. Though Banky tries to weasel his way out of any responsibility, Bob gives a lengthy reply in proper legalese explaining that they are the obvious inspiration for the main characters and deserve a full share of the movie's profits. Banky agrees.Also on the set is Justice, who has come to find Jay. Chrissy and Sissy have also caught up with her seeking revenge. The girls battle it out with Justice the victor. However, Justice is still arrested for the theft she participated in. Jay promises to wait for her.The movie opens & is a success. Banky asks Jay and Bob what they'll do with their share of the royalties. The two realize they can travel across the country and find their detractors from the web and beat them up.
    

Jeff Anderson

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