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I'll Sleep When I'm Dead

Jeremy Scott: The People's Designer


            Four co-eds are about to graduate from a secret academy, where they have been trained since high school to become spies in the paramilitary group D.E.B.S. (Discipline, Energy, Beauty, and Strength). Candidates are selected through a test hidden in the SATs that measures an applicant's ability to fight, cheat, lie, and kill. The team is headed by the somewhat obsessive Max (Meagan Good), who tends to draw her gun at the slightest provocation. The other team members are the prissy and somewhat naive Janet (Jill Ritchie), the chain-smoking and promiscuous French-exchange student Dominique (Devon Aoki), and Amy Bradshaw (Sara Foster), who is doubtful about being a spy, despite the fact that she earned a perfect score on her D.E.B.S. test and is now an honor student at the academy. Amy is considering going to art school in Barcelona after graduation, but Max, who has been her best friend since freshman year, tries to convince her that espionage is more important.As the film opens, Amy has broken up with her boyfriend Bobby, a Homeland Security agent. Her personal life takes a back seat to the re-emergence of Lucy Diamond, a criminal mastermind whom, by coincidence, is the subject of Amy's thesis. The D.E.B.S. are sent by the head of D.E.B.S., Miss Petrie (Holland Taylor), to surveil Lucy Diamond (Jordana Brewster). They arrive at the restaurant Les Deux Amours expecting to witness criminal dealings. Little do they know that Lucy Diamond has simply been set up on a blind date by her chief henchman and best friend, Scud (Jimmi Simpson). She is there to meet an ex-KGB assassin named Ninotchka Kaprova. The date is a disaster. Bobby shows up to confront Amy about their breakup, but accidentally alerts Lucy Diamond to the spies hanging on swings overhead. A shootout erupts, and Diamond escapes in the chaos. The D.E.B.S. follow her, splitting up into two groups with Max and Dominique going one way, and Amy and Janet going the other. Amy and Janet get separated and Amy literally runs into Lucy in a large storage room. They quickly end up in a standoff, with Amy trying to convince Lucy to come quietly. Lucy instead charms Amy (who is surprised to learn Lucy is a lesbian, since none of the material she studied for her thesis revealed this) into lowering her guard and disappears the moment Amy's attention wavers. When the other D.E.B.S. arrive, they praise Amy for being the only federal agent who has ever encountered Lucy and lived to tell about it.Despite Scud's protests ("Not only is she a D.E.B., She's the D.E.B.! She's the perfect score!"), Lucy returns to the squad's residence that night to talk to Amy, with whom she is quite taken. They fight, until Lucy gains the upper hand and forces Amy to go out with her for a night of fun. However, they encounter Janet outside the house. Lucy has no choice but to bring Janet along or risk discovery. They drive to an underground nightclub called 'The Junk Pit', which is reached by driving through holographic barriers disguising it from casual observation. Amy has every intention of sulking in the car, but Janet goes inside to use the bathroom and Amy accompanies her.Inside the club, Lucy notices Amy and convinces her to have a drink. Janet ends up bonding with Scud while Lucy further charms Amy. Lucy is intrigued by Amy's intellect, her breakup with Bobby, and her obvious doubts about being a spy. Amy is fascinated to discover that much of Lucy's deadly reputation has been carefully manufactured and that many if not all of the agents who supposedly died while confronting her actually died from environmental factors like frostbite and Ebola. Lucy senses Amy's attraction and leans in to kiss her only to be interrupted by a shocked Janet and a bemeused Scud.Lucy takes the two D.E.B.S. home. Janet is indignant, claiming that Amy is violating protocol, and is further troubled at learning Amy might be bisexual. Amy blackmails her into silence by reminding her of an incident where Janet "got drunk on peach wine coolers, and nearly got the chancellor of Bulgaria killed" and Amy covered for her. The next day, Miss Petrie meets with Amy and promotes her to squad leader, effectively replacing Max. Max is furious, but must follow Amy as they respond to a bank robbery orchestrated by Lucy.At the bank, Amy and Max bicker over the best approach to rescuing the hostages and capturing Lucy Diamond, who, despite Scud's disapproval, has committed the crime solely for an opportunity to see Amy again. Amy rushes blindly forward and the squad gets trapped inside the bank vault. A chute opens under Amy's feet; she falls out of the vault, leaving the other three behind. Amy arrives in the bank's basement, where Lucy is waiting for her. Meanwhile, the vault has turned into a death trap as the ceiling sprouts large spikes and begins to descend. In the basement, Amy tells Lucy that they cannot be together and gets her to release her squadmates, although, spiked ceiling notwithstanding, Lucy claims her squadmates were never in danger of death, and releases them from the vault. Lucy attempts to cover her interest in order to salvage her pride and turns to leave, but is pulled back by Amy, who can no longer resist her attraction to Lucy. They kiss, and Lucy asks Amy to come with her. The D.E.B.S. arrive in the basement to find Lucy's callsign, diamonds, Amy's tie, and a note spraypainted on the wall reading "I HAVE THE GIRL." They assume Amy has been kidnapped, though Janet seems to know exactly what has happened.Miss Petrie organizes a nationwide manhunt to find Amy while she spends some quality time with Lucy; Janet desperately tried to keep Amy apprised of the situation, but Amy never hears any of Janet's phone messages. Amy shares her art school dream with Lucy, who suggests running off to Barcelona together, where Amy can attend art school and Lucy will rent sailboats to tourists. Lucy and Amy are seen by a jealous Ninotchka, who anonymously tips Max to their location.Lucy and Amy are arguing about their respective professions while the three D.E.B.S. and Bobby close in on Lucy's lair. After a gun battle between Scud and his henchment, they continue onward, and catch the two women in a moment of passion. Mortified, Amy returns to the D.E.B.S and attempts to explain herself. Miss Petrie is ready to exile her, but Max steps in with an alternative to save Amy's reputation and thus prevent the D.E.B.S from looking foolish for having held her in such high academic esteem. Amy will tell everyone that she was brainwashed by Lucy, but that the D.E.B.S. rescued her in the nick of time. Tearfully, Amy agrees to comply. Max is still disgusted with Amy, and Amy finds herself being shunned by her friends for her deception. When the academy headmaster, Mr. Phipps, tries to encourage her on her upcoming graduation, she is further distressed to learn her perfect D.E.B.S. test score meant that she was "a perfect liar."Meanwhile, Lucy does everything she can to win Amy back, returning all the money she has ever stolen and projecting a valentine message into the sky like a Bat-Signal. Finally, she and Scud plan to crash the D.E.B.S. year-end dance, Endgame, where Amy is to be made D.E.B. of the year. At the dance, Lucy gets spotted by security guards and must evade Bobby while Amy gives her speech, unaware of Lucy's presence. Lucy fights her way to the auditorium, where she is just in time to hear Amy publicly condemn her. She is saddened, but catches Amy's eye and smiles hopefully. Amy retracts her entire speech, and admits that the days she spent with Lucy were the best days of her life, before running offstage. She and Lucy find each other in a storage room very like the one in which they first met, and they share another long-awaited kiss. Max, Janet, and Dominique catch up to them, guns raised. But Max has by this time reconciled herself with the fact that her best friend is in love. She lets them go and misdirects Bobby and the security squad so that Amy and Lucy can make their escape. Scud then starts to ask something of Janet, who agrees before he has even finished speaking.The final scene has Lucy and Amy driving off together into the beautiful night.
    

D.E.B.S.

Mutant Chronicles

Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Undead


            The film opens at temple of princess Kasumi (Devon Aoki). Hayabusa informs her of the death of her brother. Not wanting to believe, she leaves the temple and becomes an outcast shinobi. Before leaving she is confronted by Ayane (Natassia Malthe) who states that if Kasumi leaves, she is honor-bound to kill her. Jumping the wall of the temple she catches a flying shuriken on which the words "You are invited to DOA" appear.Out at sea, Tina (Jaime Pressly) is on her yacht, arguing with her father on the phone about professional wrestling. A gang of pirates (led by Robin Shou) pull alongside and try to take her boat. Tina defeats them and a DOA shuriken pierces the side of her boat.In a Hong Kong hotel, Christie (Holly Valance) is being questioned by a number of policemen after a theft of diamonds. Wearing only a towel, she manages to disarm and defeat all of them and then leaves the building, driving off on a motorcycle. All the while she is observed by Maximillian Marsh (Matthew Marsden). While driving she receives her own shuriken.The three girls are amongst a number of invited fighters, including Tina's father Bass (Kevin Nash) and Max, on a plane going to DOA island. On the plane they're informed by Helena that in order to reach DOA island they must jump off with parachutes and get to the compound by sundown. Quite coincidentally the three girls land close to one another and must work together to climb a giant Buddha statue when Kasumi realizes it's getting late. At the compound the fighters go on to meet Dr. Victor Donovan (Eric Roberts), the organizer of this year's DOA, who explains about the $10 million prize money, and some of the history about the tournament.Each fighter is analyzed in a lab to show their strength, and are all injected with nanobots which record their abilities. Weatherby (Steve Howey), who operates all the technical equipment, oversees all this. After all fighters are issued with ID bracelets, which beep and show the name of your next opponent in the tournament, the confrontations soon begin, with Tina, Christie, Gen Fu (Fang Liu), Hayabusa (Kane Kosugi), Helena Douglas (Sarah Carter), Bayman (Derek Boyer), Zack (Brian J. White) all progressing to round two.Meanwhile, Kasumi recalls her brother, Hayate (Collin Chou), and how he once saved her from ruthless kidnappers. After saving her, she remembers his face when a DOA shuriken came to him. Before her first round fight, Donovan is happy to see Kasumi; Donovan explains that Hayate was defeated by Leon the previous year, falling from the top of a cliff with his body never to be found. After some more reflection, Kasumi finds herself also matched against Leon (Silvio Simac); however, she soon defeats him, realizing that if she can win so easily, Leon could not possibly have beaten Hayate.Some time later, Hayabusa and Kasumi have both progressed to the semi-final stage of the tournament, and all combatants take a time-out to let off steam. A volleyball tournament takes place down on the beach (As reference to DOA: Extreme Beach Volleyball), with Kasumi and Tina against Helena and Christie. Meanwhile, Hayabusa explores Donovan's compound whilst all eyes are on the game, but is soon captured by the building's booby traps. At the beach, the game abruptly ends when the ball is struck down by a throwing star (and the ball's popped), and Kasumi realizes that Ayane is calling her out.They fight each other in the bamboo treetops, and Kasumi pleads for Ayane's help to find Hayate, pointing out that when he deserted the clan, she never pursued him out of love. Ayane coldly replies that he was different, and that Kasumi should come to terms with his death. Their confrontation ends with the arrival of the other girls, prompting Ayane to flee.With the recreation time over, the tournament resumes with Tina being matched against Zack. The two fight at the forbidden square and Tina defeats him.The result leaves a showdown between Helena and Christie. Before the fight, Max and Christie discuss how a source had said "Helena is the key" to finding the Douglas vault somewhere on the island which contains over $100 million. In a dramatic beach fight in the rain, Christie notices a tattoo on the back of Helena's neck. Despite being caught off guard by the image, Christie still manages to overpower Helena, leaving her lying unconscious on the wet sand, and progressing to the semi-finals of the tournament.Returning to Max, she recalls and deciphers the cryptic image, showing the location of the vault to be in the Buddha head statue. With a new round beginning, Tina, Christie and Kasumi wonder where Hayabusa has gone, and go looking for him at Donovan's compound. However, they themselves fall into a trap and are also captured.It turns out that Donovan is planning to harvest the nanobots from the four best DOA fighters, creating a technology where the host will be able to predict and adapt to any fighting style and therefore defeat any combatant. The technology had been Weatherby's, who had no idea Donovan would use it against fighters' wills, as well as for profit.Weatherby, who has fallen in love with Helena, reveals to her that her father had objected to the idea and following his objections was killed. After being comforted by Weatherby about her failure against Christie, Helena gains new resolve to stop Donovan. Fighting through all his security forces, the two make it to the compound and prevent Donovan from broadcasting the technology to buyers around the world. Meanwhile, Max finds the Douglas vault and breaks the code, but is interrupted by Bayman, who under Donovan's command knocks out Max and takes the cash.Donovan downloads the DOA program onto special sunglasses. He reveals that he captured Hayate a year ago and much to everyone's surprise, frees him. He challenges Hayate to one fight, in which the technology allows him to effectively predict every move Hayate makes and kicks him through the backwall of the compound.Donovan is about to send the DOA program to buyers across the globe when Weatherby stops him and contacts the CIA. Sometime later, Donovan sets the compound on self-destruct, which Weatherby tried to stop, but the self-destruct sequence was irreversible. Weatherby unlocks the harvest pods to free the four semi-finalists, and Helena also manages to hold off Donovan for a small time. With all the fighters freed, the girls join forces to take on Donovan as he attempts to escape in a four-on-one fight.Also, Ayane is still looking for Kasumi when she sees Hayate. Ayane is happy to see Hayate still alive, and they hug each other.Meanwhile, Hayabusa fends off Bayman with the help of Weatherby and Max, and Hayate is aided by Ayane. After a tough fight, Christie manages to knock off Donovan's glasses, preventing him from using the DOA program. Kasumi and Hayate then finish him off with Kasumi stabbing Donovan in the neck with a needle, preventing him from moving. In the final moments, all the combatants jump off the cliffside to the water, whilst Weatherby, Max and Hayabusa take an escape hatch. The compound explodes, presumably killing Donovan.Managing to gain a boat (humorously from the same pirates that attacked Tina earlier in the movie), the group escapes DOA island. Back at Kasumi's palace, the five female fighters join forces against the warrior guards on the steps of the palace.
    

Devon Aoki

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